New blogger

SO I have a new blog now, it is pretty much the same as this one, but it is on my gmail account, so it is easier for me to access my emails when I need too


Here is the link:
http://eforelissa.blogspot.com.au/


I will no longer be posting anything on this blog.

See  you on my new page. xo.

This is what I think.....

I want to tell you how I view my life...

 I am sick, and nothing can be done for it because that is what the doctors tell me. However I am still seeking help, because there must be a way to heal me. 

 I am depressed, this is because of my past. I feel sorry for myself, and I feel bad for blaming other people, but there is a difference between excuse and reason. I think it is partly my brother's and my father's fault that I feel so low on myself. But I also believe that there must be something wrong with me, to be bullied in the first place. I don't know what though. I used to be very gullible as a child, and I wasn't smart. For some reason that made me a loner. I was an easy target for people at school, and my brothers. I didn't feel understood, and I still don't. I have always been passionate about my opinions, likes and dislikes, which I have always thought is a good thing, but no one else seems to. Whenever I have an opinion I get put down (this also happened in the past). This has made me feel like my opinion doesn't matter to other people. It does matter to me though... and it usually matters to Rob. I constantly feel misunderstood. 

I didn't know how to get through school... I struggled with Maths, science, sose, and art. I was only ever on an average or a fail. I loved music, art and science, but I wasn't good at it.

The reason why I chose to do childcare was because I didn't go for an op. I didn't go for an op because I knew that if I was failing prevo maths, I couldn't pass Maths A. I needed to do all OP subjects to go for an OP. Apart from that, I didn't feel like I could pass an OP anyway, and I had no idea what I could do. We were always told by the teachers to do what we are passionate for, so that is why I chose childcare. I figured I like children, childcare is an easy course, so it will do. I was wrong. I am ok with children, but a number of work placements and jobs that I have been to, have told me that I don't have common sense. I have been yelled at, and looked at like I don't know what I am doing. I have improved, but I am still having trouble at work. The qualification wasn't easy, but I was passionate about the good child cares  and I really wanted to work in one, that is why I kept going. My Dad also didn't want me to stop at the Cert, even though I knew that the Diploma was going to be useless because no one wants to hire a young person with no paid experience. I was motivated enough to get through it, but It was more than tough. I searched for jobs after I passed... but I felt silly for actually believing in myself. I was terrible in interviews and I never got called back. I only feel as though I got into Birallee because they are always searching for relief workers. Unfortunately I am so sick and so worried that I'm not doing a good job that I now realize that this isn't the job for me. Rob's dad has shared his opinion, and also believes that I should change jobs. I guess I just don't know how. I have weighed up different options and nothing works or makes sense. I would love to be well and good at my job, so that I can work full time... but I'm not, and they don't have any work for me anyway. 

I don't always feel ugly, but when I have pimples I do. I also wish that my hair was thicker so I could do more with it and blend in. I look at other girls and notice how pretty they are. I know I'm not the ugliest thing on earth, but I want to look better. I  don't have good enough make up to cover my pimples, and it makes me feel yucky. I spend a long time every morning in front of the mirror, trying to fix the bags under my eyes and the acne scars. I have been called ugly by people, and now I am paranoid. I feel like people are giving me weird looks.

My relationship with God can be quite strong, but I struggle with prayer. I get distracted. I have improved, but I don't feel like praying when I have sinned. It is silly I know, but I feel like I don't deserve Gods forgiveness, even though I want it.

I'm scared of telling people about God. I think I'm afraid of being put down. I wish I could. The only place I tell people about God is at SMASH, Sunday school, and GB. I don't want to be rejected like Jesus was, and I know I need to own up to that, but I don't quite know how. I don't know how to motivate myself to read the bible. I wish that I could find a way. I don't mind talking to people about Jesus when they bring it up, but I think I don't sell God enough. I'm worried what they will think of me if I'm all "spiritual" 

I feel passionate about Girls brigade, and I want to see those girls develop to be strong women of faith. I guess I am trying my best to teach them all I can from a young age so that they don't turn out like me.  I firmly believe that children learn more at 5 and 6 years old than any other child. This is why I am giving them Godly love.

I wish very much that I could sing. Even when I didn't have a sore throat, I was good, but not fabulous. I wanted a higher vocal range, and for my voice to sound more strong. I just started to get stronger at singing when my sore throat hit. It makes me very upset that I can't sing for long. I play my ukulele a lot, but singing comes hard, especially when I have a virus. It makes me feel depressed, and kind of scared that I will never be able to sing well again. When I hear worship music, I want to release my voice and emotions, I want to give God all I have, but only my heart can do that, not my voice. 

My relationship with Rob is mostly good. I don't pray for him enough though, and we don't pray together. For some reason I find that awkward. It sounds corny. I'm also afraid of saying the wrong thing. I don't think I am as good to Rob as I should be. I should help him to share his thoughts and feelings more. I tease him a bit too much about his weight... even though I am joking around, I feel bad. I should be more of a support to him than I am. 

We struggle to do the right thing sometimes, but I love him a lot. I can't imagine life without him. Even though we aren't prepared money wise, I feel as though we are as close as we will get to being prepared for marriage. I know that nothing can prepare anyone for marriage as such, but I know I want to be with him, and that we will do anything to sort our problems out. Nothing will tare us apart.

I need to build my relationships with my family and friends. I need to stop being scared of social life. I only want to spend time with Rob for some reason. I want alone time with him, but I also want to have friends.

I am too scared of social activities, because it means that I have to talk to people. 

I like that I care about children and that I have compassion, but I know there is a lot that needs to change. 

Happy New year...

Hi.... well it's 2013. I haven't written in a while, but much is still the same.

Rob started work at MBRC on the 7th of Jan... all is going well there. He is doing mapping stuff... kind of boring, but it is giving him experience, and it is paying well.

I also started back at Birralee Childcare on the 7th. I was pretty excited about going back, although I was expecting there to be a bit of crying... but I certainly didn't expect the constant screaming! I joined Birralee Childcare mid last year, so the babies then were mostly settled and happy. The new babies at work now aren't settled, and most of them scream for the whole 2 hours that I'm there. I pretty much have no time to do my jobs, because I have to constantly be holding the babies so that they calm down. We can't keep them inside because they wake up the other children in the center having a rest, but having them outside is worrying because the neighbors surely must think we are torturing the babies. The heat and humidity on top of all this makes it 10 times worse. Vanessa hasn't exactly been happy with me lately either. She sort of expects me to be able to get my jobs done, but I can't because she also expects me to hold the babies. I can't do anything right. Sometimes she is alright, she and I have had some good conversations, but she is usually stressed and can't handle everything so well. Her ex took her 5 year old child away just before Christmas, and she has been stressed ever since. I sort of don't know what to do. I'm trying to be as positive as possible, but her stress is making me stressed.
I'm also going to physio a lot. Work has been painful physically, and to be honest I'm doubting that I'm fit for this job. I've been thinking about becoming a Nanny, but I don't have a car... even if the family was close by, most people require you to do school drop off and pick up. The hours are tricky to figure out too, as well as the pay. Unfortunately I'm too stressed to work full time at Birralee (not that they have vacancies anyway), but I need money. I guess I figured that although being a Nanny would be full time, it would be less trouble, and the only boss I would have would be the parents. I wouldn't have to be picking up babies all the time etc. Alas, I don't know what to do. I can't figure it out.

So yeah, pretty stressed right now. I'm so thankful that I'm on full anti-depressants now. They have made me happier. I can't imagine what I would be like off them.

Appart from work and stress, i'm still sick. My sore throat is still constant , and I have no idea what God is doing with that. I would really appreciate being healed. Prayer doesn't seem to work though... I dunno *sigh*. Such is life.


Meh anyway. I am just going with it at the moment, not much I can do....

 

The Huntsmasn lives..... gasp!

SO on Saturday Night I was out for a while, and when I came home, I decided to go on the computer and this HUGE huntsman was on the wall. I went straight to the kitchen to get the bug spray! So I sprayed it thoroughly from a distance and it ran behind the curtain. I had no idea where it was going to go, so I hesitantly left it. I sat down on the computer chair and tucked my feet up just in case.

About half an hour later, Matt comes home and sees the spider further along the wall. I couldn't believe that it was still alive. SO Matt drenches it in bug spray until it turns white and starts shriveling up (as they do)... but it was STILL alive. Matt ended up getting a stick and squashing it into the wall. He then scraped it onto a piece of paper and through it out.


EEEEEEEEEEK

My hair!

 Just for random sake. This is my new-ish hair colour, and a pretty braid in my hair.

I have actually had this hair colour for a couple of weeks. It isn't permanent and it is much lighter than it was. It is apparently auburn. You probably can't see it in the light anyway, but I think it's pretty :)



<<< posing

                                                                               





                                                                            The braid >>>

<<< Posing again.










p.s. My mum did the braid :)  <3

Oh, hello again.

Soooo, yeah. I'm back again. Don't know how long for.
I feel less motivation to write when no one really reads my blog...not that Rob and Katrina are "no ones"... but I see Rob nearly every day in a week, and Katrina every Sunday (and Tuesday when GB is on). Sometimes it feels pointless writing when two important people in my life nearly always hear my complaints etc before I blog. When I started this blog I was a depressed person, full of emotions and feelings that I wanted to share, but really didn't know who to share them with. In a way, I guess my blogging really helped me during those times.
I suppose this blog isn't completely useless, I'm writing what I'm feeling now aren't I? So anyhow, I guess we'll see where it leads me. I may or may not be back tomorrow.

Here is an update on my life at the moment....
For a long time I was feeling really empty. Particularly in the past few months. I keep finding myself really busy and stressed over little things. I'm now on full dose anti-depressants... really I'm just taking two mild ones to make a full one... I haven't told my doctor yet, but I promise I will. I was too scared to ask him about it, so I just went for it. They probably wont kick in for another couple of weeks, but so far so good. I am feeling a lot better. I can deal with problems easier. Stress is still there, but drugs can't fix everything. They do help though, and I am more motivated for life than I was before.
This day last week, I found out some amazing news. Rob came over to my house to spend time with me. We were still trying to decide what to do, so I decided to play the piano (as you do). Then I hear Rob's phone ringing, and Rob dash out with it. I finished the song I was playing then waited. My first thought was that it was his work (pizza hut) calling, and I was desperately hoping that he would say no to going in to work. Then I got a little anxious, because he was on the phone for longer than if it was just work calling. My thoughts turned to "emergency" and "uh oh, whats happened, hurry up and get off your phone Rob!". Nek minute he comes in with a serious look on his face, but it wasn't an "emergency" look on his face. He looked like he was trying to hide a smile, but it was hidden by more of a nervous look... it's hard to explain... He asked me to sit down with him on the couch, which got me super confused and anxious, and then he FINALLY said what the phone call was about!!!!! ...................................................................suspense...............................................................
(hehe, sorry I just wanted you to feel suspense too... although if it is only Katrina reading this then she already knows what this is about... Hi Katrina!!!)
........ Where were we.... oh yeah..... So Rob just blurts out that he had just been accepted into an internship. I was nearly in tears, and I'm pretty sure I squeezed Rob like a lemon, but I was soooo happy!!!!
Just a bit of B.I.... When Rob proposed to me, I was really excited obviously, and we started thinking about wedding plans. We decided that Rob would probably have an internship by the end of 2012, and by 2013 we should be able to get married. That kind of all slowly went downhill. There seemed to be no signs of an internship, and a couple of months ago Rob was looking through his subjects and realised that there were some hidden that he didn't see earlier.... which put his grad further back to mid 2014. I was disappointed to hear it, and even more disappointed when I realised that it was less likely for him to get an internship this far away from grad.
During the past months I have been quite fed up with people asking when the wedding is. I don't blame them for asking, because this is a long engagement, but it was still annoying!

So yeah.... SUPER SUPER SUPER happy now. Wedding is possibly the end of next year.

Last week I also had some amazing news, that I was accepted to go on a week trip to PNG next year with a group of ladies (the "She is..." crew). Next year is going to be huge, and I need to save a heap of money, but I have no doubt that God will provide. I found out this Monday that Mum can also come on the trip. I'm sure I will write more about that another time.

But yeah, for now, life is mostly good. I'm enjoying work and also getting in the Christmas spirit.
Ooh yeah, and more good news, I only had physio once this week! Hooray! lol, I don't know if that means much, but I'm hoping I can keep up my exercises and good manual handling techniques, so that my back feels better and better each day :)
In general health, I still have my sore throat. I have a cold at the moment, and my stomach sickness is pretty much out of the picture most of the time. Woop!

Until next time, I bid you farewell!  

Running out of things to say

Yeah, so I have no idea what to say. Life is ok. Much the same.