Stress

I'm sick of stress and I get sick when I'm stressed. I have been sick for so long now, and I am well past the fed up point. I'm not angry at the doctors, I'm not angry at anyone... I just don't understand why I am sick, and I don't know why there aren't answers. I am sick of not knowing... and it is making me stressed. When I get stressed, I get even more sick, so it is an endless cycle of being stressed and sick.
Recently I have been feeling incredibly emotional. I have an almost perfect job, but I have little motivation to go. I know I might be more motivated when I get into more of a routine, but I'm sick and stressed. The director at work is lovely and told me on my induction day that if I ever feel too sick or stressed to come to work, then let them know. I had to do that today, and now I'm even more stressed. I was scared of getting sick at work, and now I'm not there, I'm not sure if I should have taken a sick day. I'm not looking forward to facing work tomorrow. 
My emotions are going crazy, and now I am considering that there may be something wrong with me. Since childhood I have thought that I have a mental condition... no one really believes me, but I just know that there is something wrong with me.... thinking that I have a mental condition, and not being able to stop, is almost mental in itself. No one can understand my way of thinking. I'm more emotional than the average woman. I even took a psychologist test online about depression... and it said that there is a possibility of depression. It obviously isn't full blown, because I would be sure about it then... but the test was quite specific, and I believe it. I know there is something wrong.
In the past few days I have felt like I'm being stared at. I got that quite a bit when I was a teenager, but I thought people were just staring at me because I had a lot of pimples, and I classed myself as ugly. Now I don't feel like I'm ugly really, because I'm taking the pill, which gets rid of my acne. I'm also wearing makeup, so it makes me look kind of nice. It freaks me out when people give me funny looks...Is my hair not right? Does my make up look weird? What is wrong?
So confused right now. I need help.

Pressure

Pressure is terrible. Pressure makes me panic, it makes me scared, it makes me angry, it makes me depressed.
What if I can't do what you want me to do? What if I don't want to do what you want me to do? Why does it have to be me?
I hate it when someone asks me to do something out of my comfort zone. There is the rare occasion where I do whatever I'm told and I don't find it as bad as I thought.... but if I'm asked to do it again later on down the track, I am most likely going to be as scared as I was the first time. On occasion I will be ok and gain more independence, but most of the time, if I feel like something is too risky, I won't go ahead with it. I must admit, I am fairly good at refusing to do things that I don't want to do, but that tends to lead into embarrassment and shame.

I think the worst pressure is when everyone expects something of you and you know what you are capable of, but they insist that you can be better. It is nice of them to encourage, but sometimes I find encouragement like that, discouraging.
As I told you in my last post, I've been really sick lately, and it has made me afraid of going out for too long. The thing is, I have to leave my house. For starters my Doctor tells me that I need exercise. Other than that, I want to be social. My friend wanted to gather a few people to go to the movies on Wednesday, and I was too afraid to go, because I didn't want to get sick. I have a number of camps and social things coming up in the next few months, and this sickness has made me afraid to go. I have a training day coming up for my new casual job, and apart from general nerves, I'm scared that I'm going to be sick that day. I'm afraid of the unknown. I never know when I will get sick... and because it is a job on the line that I have here, everyone has pretty much told me that I have no choice but to toughen up. Well, I have news for them, if they call toughening up, not going to the toilet when you really need to (like I need to when I'm sick), then why don't they try it? Maybe some people could handle it, but I know from experience that it is easier said than done. I have been out many times where I needed to go to the toilet because of my sickness, and I have tried to hold on, but it eventually becomes too much discomfort to handle and that is when I panic. Time and time again I am told that once I get into my job, I'll forget about my sickness.... how do they know this? They are relating my experience with theirs, which... no offense... is stupid considering not even the doctors know what is wrong with me. It may seem similar, but they can not judge what I'm going through. They make it sound so easy.
All I can do is to pray and trust Jesus... thankfully I haven't needed to rush to the toilet in the past two days... so either God is answering the prayers that people have been praying for me, or my sickness is holding back at the moment for some reason. For all I know, I'm allergic to something, which I ate earlier on in the week and haven't eaten in the past few days.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is, I wish people would carefully consider other peoples situations. Do they not realize that I am under pressure, without them adding to it?

That's just my opinion. 

Anxious.

^{Philippians 4:6-7
6} Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I was sitting in Church on Sunday morning, having a good think about this verse. It is my favourite verse, and right now it couldn't be more helpful to me.

I have written in previous posts about my sore throat and sickness, but I haven't updated you in a while. I went to the ENT  7 weeks ago to see what he could do about my throat. I had been to the doctors 3 or 4 times and they couldn't figure out my problem. I had a number of blood tests taken, and they were all clear. By the time I went to the ENT, my sore throat had hung around for 6 months. The ENT looked at my throat and asked me a lot of questions. All he could see was that I have little lumps on the back of my throat. He put it down to Silent Reflux, which is reflux that you can't feel. I was given Somac tablets to take for 6 weeks, and when the 6 weeks was up, I was to report back to him. I did so last Tuesday.  I told him that the tablets had not done a thing, and it left him confused. He called me a medical mystery. He explained that I don't have the normal symptoms for a chronic sore throat. He checked my throat once again and noticed the little bumps like last time. He mentioned that they can be a number of things, and one of his suggestions was that they are a reaction to allergies. That made me wonder if it could be allergies, because I have had a sick stomach and a throbbing head along with my sore throat. My sick stomach has worsened more recently, and my throbbing head has become more noticeable. I told him all of the details about that, and he got a bit concerned about my throbbing head, so he wrote a referral for me to get my brain and sinuses scanned. He said that it was unlikely that there is a tumor, but there is still a possibility. I got a bit worried, but I was pleased with that idea of the scan at first, because it may help me find out what is wrong... but then I made the mistake of watching RPA last Wednesday, and there happened to be a young guy, about my age with Cancer. The slight worry I was having, turned into a bit more of a panic. I told myself that I'll be fine, and God has it under control, but it didn't stop me worrying all week. I had my Scan just yesterday, and I received the images, and was told that my ENT and normal GP will receive the images within 24 hours. I haven't received a call from them at all, so I don't know what to think. Either they haven't had a chance to look at it, or they can't see anything wrong. I don't want there to be anything seriously wrong, but I was hoping that they would find something, so that they can give me some sort of diagnosis. 
I'm fed up with having a sore throat, a throbbing head, and a sick stomach. I get sick every time I'm out. I always need to go to the toilet, and it isn't fun at all, especially when I'm not home. I'm worried about my ability to work. I received news a week or two ago, that I was accepted into Birralee Childcare Centre as casual staff, and I have two training sessions coming up on the 18th of June. After that I can be called in to work. I'm really scared that I'll be too sick. It is bad enough missing out on social activities, let alone work. 

There is so much worry there, but I guess after reading Philippians 4:6-7 again, I feel as though there is hope. It is hard to not be anxious, but I need to stop right now.

The first part says  ^"6 Do not be anxious about ANYTHING" that is an order, not advice. I have been told that worry is a Sin. I know that there are people who disagree with that, but I do agree. Even if it isn't a Sin, it should be! We are to trust in God at all times. 


",but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
This part of the verse is another order... pray, and give thanks no matter what the situation! Talk to God, and ask Him for help. We should never try and fix things on our own. Trust and obey!

   "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
This part is a reassurance that God has full understanding. He will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

I need to do exactly this. I need to pray and trust in Him. It has been hard, and it may continue to be hard, but trust is what it is all about. It hurts not to be able to sing, it hurts that I am afraid of going out, it hurts that I don't know how to heal, It is absolutely helplessness, but surely God knows what He is doing! Amen!


                                                        Cry out to Jesus- Third Day

                                                    Who am I? Casting Crowns

My Story

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God Bless
Love, E <3

Life

My life has certainly had its ups and downs, and I think it will continue to. Right now, I am glad to say that I'm having an 'up'. I guess there are things that I still feel need sorting out, I'm still confused about my emotions, but I'm happy. I have a wonderful fiance and more than I need. Words just don't do justice, when I try to describe how much I love Rob. He makes me so happy and I don't think I thank God enough for him. So many times I have felt so undeserving of anyone's love, but God put Rob and I together, which just shows me that our God is a loving and providing God. I am growing closer in my relationship with God, with Rob, and even with some of my friends. God has been fixing me. I guess I regret being angry at God. I know it is ok to be, but I feel guilty when I get angry, God may let pain into my life, but He also fixes it in His time. I don't know how long my happiness will last, but I'm happy now, and that seems to be all that matters at the moment.

Time to vent

So the last few weeks have been kind of busy and I want to vent.... have fun hearing it.

 So much has to do with GB. This term we have been practicing Figure marching for the competition (which was tonight) for 20 minutes/ half an hour every Tuesday. We have had to plan around all of it, and have only had one chance to practice the song that we will be singing on church parade, which is coming up in 2 more weekends.The Tuesday before last was really busy, so we had no chance to practice our song and last Tuesday we had a shortened night, dedicated to Figure marching only, which again left no time to practice our song. Next week is the only week left to practice our song, because the week after is Mothers night, and that weekend is of course the church parade. Apart from that, as I said we had the Figure marching comp tonight, two weekends ago we had a fun fair at a local primary school to attend, and the Wednesday before that was the ANZAC day march.

Heh, and that is just what has been going on in GB alone... there is so much more going on.

My Engagement Party is this Saturday. We have been planning the party for ages. The worst part has been making the invites, sending them out, and trying to get RSV P's from people. Apparently the trend these days is to not RSVP!!!! Tis frustrating. It has also been hard trying to figure out how much food and drinks we need for the amount of people coming, and what to buy. We went shopping just Yesterday... we bought a helium bottle for the balloons and some weights for the balloons, I had collected all of the other decoration stuff over the past weeks. We had to find Rob a shirt to go with Rob's new pants that he bought just last Thursday. And of course we had to buy all of the food and drinks, which worked out, but was still a challenge. Yeah, and I also had my own fiasco with the dress I bought for the party, it needed a bit of altering, so my wonderful Grandma and Mum had to fix it. Now I am pretty sure I am going to freeze, because April was the coldest April since like 1985 or something, and now it is May, it is heaps cold. Oh yeah and I forgot to mention this, while we were at the shops I suddenly started feeling sick like half an hour before I was supposed to get my hair cut. I ended up being patient and getting it done in the end, but it wasn't fun like I wanted it to be. I'm still sick, with just tomorrow in between now and Saturday, so I am panicking about that a little. Anywho, I think we are mostly prepared for the party... Although I have that feeling that we have forgotten something... then again it is getting to the point where details don't matter any more.
Poor Mum has been organising so much, she did the majority of the invites for the party, and has fixed my dress, and came shopping with Rob and I. I owe her big time. Today she was busy frantically cleaning the house, because her cousin, Lee, is staying over on Friday and both him and Grandma on Saturday. I haven't been able to help much, because I'm sick. She also cooked a slice tonight. Tomorrow Mum will be doing more cleaning, but mostly cooking... she has to cook two cakes for the party. I'm planning on cooking a cake for the people who have had birthdays. Cousin Lee's birthday is on the actual party day, and Matt's birthday is the next day... and there have been so many birthdays this week, which some of those people are coming to my party. So I think it will be a rather busy day tomorrow. As for Saturday, we will be setting up the church hall in the morning, trying to make it as nice as possible. Then we can have a break in between then and the party, but we will obviously have to be there early for the party to sort our food *sigh* Then we will have the party and the clean up afterwards.

OK so apart from the party, as I said it is Matt's Birthday on Sunday, which is also Mothers day. We will be having a very early breakfast on Sunday morning for Mothers day, with my Mum's side of the family, and we may or may not be going to church afterwards. After that, we will probably spend some time with Rob's Mum, and then we are having an afternoon tea at our house with my Dad's side of the family for Mothers day, Matt's birthday, and my cousin Andrew's birthday which was also this week.

On top of that, I have been having driving lessons, because I FINALLY decided to get my Learners licence. I have also been doing a lot of job searching and have had a few interviews.

I'll admit, I suppose I am sounding probably more over the top than I should. Yes I have been busy, and this weekend will be big, but I suppose I have had some time to relax. I have had a lot on my mind emotionally, and am trying to fix up some troubles in my life.Unfortunately in the time I have to relax, I can't fix everything, but I'm getting there.

After re-reading what I have just wrote, it sounds like a cluttered mess, and I'll be surprised if you have read this far... but I'll keep going.
Yep, the last few weeks have been busy, I'll say.... and I'm certainly looking forward to it not being so busy. I think the fact that our Figure marching competition is over now, it will give us a bit more time to do what we want at GB. So I'm trying to be positive, I will be thrilled when church parade is over and done with, because it means that we won't have anything to worry about with GB.... for now that is.
After the party, and this weekend, I think I will be able to focus on moving forward a bit more. Perhaps I will have more time to think, and not worry. I will have more time to job search and more time to do some driving.

Heh, you have no idea how good I feel after venting. I don't care to much if no one reads this, I just feel so relieved to write it down and get it off my back. I suppose, now that I have said what I have said, I feel inspired. I knew I was busy, but I think as I was writing this all down, I realized just how busy. It may sound strange, but I think this is wonderful! God has yet again shown me that he has pulled me through busyness. I have gotten so much accomplished, and although I am looking forward to a bit more free time, I'm interested to see what God will do in my life next :)


That is all for now,
Love, Elissa.

This is a song I wrote for Rob. I know it isn't perfect, but it was only meant for him, and he insisted I share it. I hope you somewhat enjoy it too.

For You

V1: Hold me closer dear, so we can be safe
and never let go, hold me so

V2: If I could stop time, then it would stand still
and we could be forever, not left to dream

CH1: Oh the way you look at me
it makes me feel so free
free to love you now and always
free to be

V3: And when we sleep, you'll be holding me
and you'll take care of me, so gently

CH2: Oh and the way you look at me
it makes me feel so free
free to love you now and always
free to be
Because you make me feel things
that I've never felt before
Please don't ever, ever let us part

V4: You'll be holding me, forever you'll see
and we will be ok, just you and me

End: We will be ok, nothing will take us away.