I am in love with a fantastic guy called Rob. We have been together for 2 years and 9 months (in two days). He is an amazing support, he loves me. When things started getting hard for me emotionally, he stuck by me. I asked him if he wants to leave me... I was afraid that if he stayed I would hurt him and ruin his life, and I was very convinced that he could find someone better than me. I felt very un-deserving (still do actually).... but he insisted that we stay together (I of course want him to stay with me because I love him; I guess I just worry about hurting him). He cried, which is something I barely ever see him do, and he begged me. This is when I fully realized how much he loves me. For some reason he thinks that he would be more hurt if I left him, than if I put him through the pain of being with me. I have hurt him a number of times, and I don't deserve him but he has stuck by me completely. If anything, we have become closer in my pain. I still very much so have issues, but he won't leave me. Of course there are things about him that frustrate me, but all in all I couldn't imagine my life without him. We hope to get engaged and married as soon as we have enough money to live.
Here is my problem though. I have an attention seeking problem... I like to call it a disorder, or a mental illness. It is my main problem in life. I have had it for a long time, and there are many things causing it... like the fact that I was bullied and verbally abused as a child, I have developed a low self esteem and now I need attention. The thing is I do get attention, Rob gives me plenty of it, and I have had so much support this past year with all of my problems. So if I get attention, then why do I seek it? That is what really bothers me. What bothers me more is I need attention from someone I know (I won't mention his name). My counselor tells me that because I was given bad attention by boys as a child, now I need good male attention. This person is attractive, has a great personality, and he happened to give me attention at the start of all of my problems, so now I don't just want attention from him, I need it. If I don't get it I freak out, I hurt. Because I have such a low self esteem, I can't get attention through good things, such as singing (which I am passionate about). Ashleigh, for example, is a much much much better singer; she gets all of the solo's... so I don't get attention in that area. So since I can't get attention through good things, I try very hard to get attention in ways that are ridiculous e.g. cutting myself. This person is the main person I want attention from... I have been given reasons why, but I still feel like there is more behind it. I am quite weird.
Anyway, I want to know what you think. I have never shared anything as deep as this on my blog yet... for those of you who know me but didn't have a clue about my problems please don't freak out! hehe.
God bless, love me.xx
1 comment:
Yes, I am the aforementioned Rob.
Look, if you're not familiar with our relationship, I'm not a clingy person. It might be easy to think "he just likes the idea of having a girlfriend, so he'll put up with ANYTHING to stay in a relationship." It isn't like that at all. Trust me, I've been in a relationship where I've wanted out. If I'd wanted out this time I would've shot through long ago. It's because I love her that I stay.
So to finish I'll give any of you that care a nickel's worth of free advice - when you find somebody that you love, sometimes you have to make it work, rather than it work for you. Too many people expect their partners to be perfect - they aren't. Not to be sexist, but particularly girls make long lists of personality traits that their man should have. Guys can have these too, but it's a little different due to gender roles. A woman picks a man knowing that he will be the head of the house, not in a subservient way, but she's aware that a lot of her strength will come from him. The man gets strength from the woman too, which is why he has to be mindful of who he picks for a wife, but since he expects he will lead and support his wife, he won't usually have a long list of requirements. I know that sounds sexist but it's true in most straight relationships.
Before I lose the thread, some (not all) girls make lists like:
- He has to be strong
- He has to be loving
- He needs to gauge my moods
- He needs to know when to comfort me and when to leave me alone
- Sometimes I want to go out with the girls and he needs to be okay with that
- He needs to be funny, but not goofy funny
- He needs to know the right thing to say at the right time
- He needs to know the right time not to say anything
- He needs to know how to treat me like a woman
- He needs to be a good Christian man without being freaky
- He needs to be good with kids
...and so the list goes on to #497
Anyway, the point is, neither the man nor the woman will always be able to please you in the way you want... and they won't always be apologetic about it either. So expecting them to be sorry about every little inconvenience is pointless.
This is where you need to take it upon yourself to make the relationship work. Yes, he/she may have done something wrong, and btw I'm not having a go at Elissa here. I'm saying this because too many people have this idea nowadays that they'll stay in the relationship if it works and leave at the first sign of trouble. You'll go from relationship to relationship for the rest of your life if you do things that way. If you need to talk about it with your partner, do so by all means. Otherwise, let it go for the sake of the relationship. People aren't perfect. Will you accept that?
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