Right now, I'm not feeling any pain what so ever. I am at peace. I am happy.
This year, I got into a real bad place in my mind. A place that I wouldn't wish for anyone else to go. I may have seemed normal to people who know me, like my church family.... but I wasn't. I was messed up, and I didn't know the way out. There were times where I was sitting in Rob's car with him on a Sunday night after church, where I would be balling my eyes out and pulling at my hair, because something was disturbing me inside. Rob sore a side of me, that I wish he didn't have to see. He was also with me one afternoon when I was doing my last TAFE assignment, I was freaking out, screaming, fighting with my Dad and everything... I wanted my life to end there. Actually, that wasn't the first or the last time I thought about dying.
I know this story sounds rather dramatic, but it is the truth. I wanted to die. No one should want to die.Unfortunately when Satan gets into someones emotions, it is hard to get him out.
In August, I went into "She is... Free" camp, confused... and I came out free. I still struggled a bit afterwards, but I had stopped harming myself completely, and I had no intention of killing myself, the thought didn't even enter my mind. For the past few months, I have been trying to get over my year. I didn't really know how to escape the memory, and I sort of wanted to forget it all together. I felt like it was creeping up behind me.
Now, I don't feel the need to escape my memories of this year, because just this month, I realised that the troubles I went through, benefited me. Yes, I hated my emotional pain, and I hated that I was causing myself physical pain... as I said, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.... but God used my pain to teach me.
The big lesson He has taught me is that I can always depend on Him to pull me through. At the moment, He is still teaching me patience. I have been praying for patience for most of the year, and I wasn't seeing any change,,, but now I realise that He has been teaching me all along, by giving me situations in where I have to be patient. God isn't just going to take my struggles away, because then I wouldn't learn. Now I am practicing patience.
I am grateful. God never gave me the chance to become mentally Ill. I thought I was at one stage, but it was all Satan's way of fooling me into thinking that life sucked. Life does kind of suck for millions of people... I look on 3rd world countries, and I hear about their stories. On top of not having enough food and clean water, they have to face violence in a lot of the countries.... but I don't have to deal with that. I also don't have to deal with mental illness of any sort. God has provided me with more than I need. I'm happy. There is still a lot of work to be done... and I know there are times where I will fall... but I have a good teacher.
This year, I got into a real bad place in my mind. A place that I wouldn't wish for anyone else to go. I may have seemed normal to people who know me, like my church family.... but I wasn't. I was messed up, and I didn't know the way out. There were times where I was sitting in Rob's car with him on a Sunday night after church, where I would be balling my eyes out and pulling at my hair, because something was disturbing me inside. Rob sore a side of me, that I wish he didn't have to see. He was also with me one afternoon when I was doing my last TAFE assignment, I was freaking out, screaming, fighting with my Dad and everything... I wanted my life to end there. Actually, that wasn't the first or the last time I thought about dying.
I know this story sounds rather dramatic, but it is the truth. I wanted to die. No one should want to die.Unfortunately when Satan gets into someones emotions, it is hard to get him out.
In August, I went into "She is... Free" camp, confused... and I came out free. I still struggled a bit afterwards, but I had stopped harming myself completely, and I had no intention of killing myself, the thought didn't even enter my mind. For the past few months, I have been trying to get over my year. I didn't really know how to escape the memory, and I sort of wanted to forget it all together. I felt like it was creeping up behind me.
Now, I don't feel the need to escape my memories of this year, because just this month, I realised that the troubles I went through, benefited me. Yes, I hated my emotional pain, and I hated that I was causing myself physical pain... as I said, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.... but God used my pain to teach me.
The big lesson He has taught me is that I can always depend on Him to pull me through. At the moment, He is still teaching me patience. I have been praying for patience for most of the year, and I wasn't seeing any change,,, but now I realise that He has been teaching me all along, by giving me situations in where I have to be patient. God isn't just going to take my struggles away, because then I wouldn't learn. Now I am practicing patience.
I am grateful. God never gave me the chance to become mentally Ill. I thought I was at one stage, but it was all Satan's way of fooling me into thinking that life sucked. Life does kind of suck for millions of people... I look on 3rd world countries, and I hear about their stories. On top of not having enough food and clean water, they have to face violence in a lot of the countries.... but I don't have to deal with that. I also don't have to deal with mental illness of any sort. God has provided me with more than I need. I'm happy. There is still a lot of work to be done... and I know there are times where I will fall... but I have a good teacher.
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