I want to tell you how I view my life...
I am sick, and nothing can be done for it because that is what the doctors tell me. However I am still seeking help, because there must be a way to heal me.
I am depressed, this is because of my past. I feel sorry for myself, and I feel bad for blaming other people, but there is a difference between excuse and reason. I think it is partly my brother's and my father's fault that I feel so low on myself. But I also believe that there must be something wrong with me, to be bullied in the first place. I don't know what though. I used to be very gullible as a child, and I wasn't smart. For some reason that made me a loner. I was an easy target for people at school, and my brothers. I didn't feel understood, and I still don't. I have always been passionate about my opinions, likes and dislikes, which I have always thought is a good thing, but no one else seems to. Whenever I have an opinion I get put down (this also happened in the past). This has made me feel like my opinion doesn't matter to other people. It does matter to me though... and it usually matters to Rob. I constantly feel misunderstood.
I didn't know how to get through school... I struggled with Maths, science, sose, and art. I was only ever on an average or a fail. I loved music, art and science, but I wasn't good at it.
The reason why I chose to do childcare was because I didn't go for an op. I didn't go for an op because I knew that if I was failing prevo maths, I couldn't pass Maths A. I needed to do all OP subjects to go for an OP. Apart from that, I didn't feel like I could pass an OP anyway, and I had no idea what I could do. We were always told by the teachers to do what we are passionate for, so that is why I chose childcare. I figured I like children, childcare is an easy course, so it will do. I was wrong. I am ok with children, but a number of work placements and jobs that I have been to, have told me that I don't have common sense. I have been yelled at, and looked at like I don't know what I am doing. I have improved, but I am still having trouble at work. The qualification wasn't easy, but I was passionate about the good child cares and I really wanted to work in one, that is why I kept going. My Dad also didn't want me to stop at the Cert, even though I knew that the Diploma was going to be useless because no one wants to hire a young person with no paid experience. I was motivated enough to get through it, but It was more than tough. I searched for jobs after I passed... but I felt silly for actually believing in myself. I was terrible in interviews and I never got called back. I only feel as though I got into Birallee because they are always searching for relief workers. Unfortunately I am so sick and so worried that I'm not doing a good job that I now realize that this isn't the job for me. Rob's dad has shared his opinion, and also believes that I should change jobs. I guess I just don't know how. I have weighed up different options and nothing works or makes sense. I would love to be well and good at my job, so that I can work full time... but I'm not, and they don't have any work for me anyway.
I don't always feel ugly, but when I have pimples I do. I also wish that my hair was thicker so I could do more with it and blend in. I look at other girls and notice how pretty they are. I know I'm not the ugliest thing on earth, but I want to look better. I don't have good enough make up to cover my pimples, and it makes me feel yucky. I spend a long time every morning in front of the mirror, trying to fix the bags under my eyes and the acne scars. I have been called ugly by people, and now I am paranoid. I feel like people are giving me weird looks.
My relationship with God can be quite strong, but I struggle with prayer. I get distracted. I have improved, but I don't feel like praying when I have sinned. It is silly I know, but I feel like I don't deserve Gods forgiveness, even though I want it.
I'm scared of telling people about God. I think I'm afraid of being put down. I wish I could. The only place I tell people about God is at SMASH, Sunday school, and GB. I don't want to be rejected like Jesus was, and I know I need to own up to that, but I don't quite know how. I don't know how to motivate myself to read the bible. I wish that I could find a way. I don't mind talking to people about Jesus when they bring it up, but I think I don't sell God enough. I'm worried what they will think of me if I'm all "spiritual"
I feel passionate about Girls brigade, and I want to see those girls develop to be strong women of faith. I guess I am trying my best to teach them all I can from a young age so that they don't turn out like me. I firmly believe that children learn more at 5 and 6 years old than any other child. This is why I am giving them Godly love.
I wish very much that I could sing. Even when I didn't have a sore throat, I was good, but not fabulous. I wanted a higher vocal range, and for my voice to sound more strong. I just started to get stronger at singing when my sore throat hit. It makes me very upset that I can't sing for long. I play my ukulele a lot, but singing comes hard, especially when I have a virus. It makes me feel depressed, and kind of scared that I will never be able to sing well again. When I hear worship music, I want to release my voice and emotions, I want to give God all I have, but only my heart can do that, not my voice.
My relationship with Rob is mostly good. I don't pray for him enough though, and we don't pray together. For some reason I find that awkward. It sounds corny. I'm also afraid of saying the wrong thing. I don't think I am as good to Rob as I should be. I should help him to share his thoughts and feelings more. I tease him a bit too much about his weight... even though I am joking around, I feel bad. I should be more of a support to him than I am.
We struggle to do the right thing sometimes, but I love him a lot. I can't imagine life without him. Even though we aren't prepared money wise, I feel as though we are as close as we will get to being prepared for marriage. I know that nothing can prepare anyone for marriage as such, but I know I want to be with him, and that we will do anything to sort our problems out. Nothing will tare us apart.
I need to build my relationships with my family and friends. I need to stop being scared of social life. I only want to spend time with Rob for some reason. I want alone time with him, but I also want to have friends.
I am too scared of social activities, because it means that I have to talk to people.
I like that I care about children and that I have compassion, but I know there is a lot that needs to change.