If you could change anything (one thing) about yourself, what would it be?

Anything at all?
There is so much that I would love to change. I would love to change how fat my legs are, I would like my hair to be a bit thicker, I would like to have a blemish free body, I would want to have a nicer nose. I would like to take away my sickness. As for my personality, I wish I wasn't so dramatic about things, I wish I didn't need attention and approval to live, I wish that I could be motivated to work, I wish that I was smarter and more mature, I wish that I could make God the centre of my life.
However I can only choose one thing to change.... so I would probably change sin. If I didn't sin, I wouldn't be so dramatic, I would be more motivated, I would be smarter and more mature, and I would make God the centre of my life.

The thing is, in choosing Jesus, I have chosen not to sin... but I still do it. It isn't possible NOT to sin, but sometimes I know that I'm not trying hard enough.  He has given me EVERYTHING.... I can't give back to Him anything.

10,000 Reasons

10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord)

This is a song that Phil introduced at night church last Sunday. The words really got to me, I hope you enjoy and have a real listen to what the words say.

God bless!

Why hide?

Why can't I be who I am? Why do I have to hide? I have to hide because of what you MIGHT think.

 We are talking one day and you ask me who I want to be in life. I answer, telling you that I want to be an actor in a musical.  I read your body language and know instantly that you think it is stupid, and I'll feel embarrassed.... So then someone else asks me who I want to be, I just say that I want to be a full time childcare worker... that person knows that it makes sense, since I studied childcare, and it is doable.

I do something slightly wrong, and someone yells at me or over punishes me... I am then scared of doing things wrong, so next time I ask lots of questions so that I don’t get it wrong. Heh, but the problem there is that I'm self conscious when I ask questions, because I'm afraid that they will think that my question is stupid. It is an endless cycle of wanting approval!

 You see, this situation is more real than you think.
Many people have over powered me in my life... they have told me that my opinions are stupid. Although I can't understand why they would think that... I go on, and either try to be someone else, or I simply start believing that my opinions are stupid. For a long time, I have felt like most of my opinions and ideas are stupid. People rule me.

(Note, as you are reading this, I am worried about what you will think of my writing style, and what I am saying)

I'm self conscious and approval seeking, because I have been told that I am wrong. Then someone good comes along and tells me that they agree with my opinion, or that they really like something about me, and I think it is a lie.
Luckily I know I'm not the only person who is like me. If I didn’t know that, I would think that I am mental.
You might say that all people live to impress... that is mostly true... but our situations are different. Me, and many others simply find it too hard to accept ourselves, because of the past and sometimes the present. It is much worse than a simple case of trying to impress everyone else.

There are lots of people who I could blame, and who I have blamed in the past, for causing my low self esteem... but the truth is that most people don't know that they have said something that really hurt me. It is quite possible and probable that I have hurt people with my words as well. Sometimes it is more than one person that contributes to low self esteem. Sometimes who we are, makes us more prone to low self esteem.
Unfortunately it is hard to forget those situations of hurt, and with me it has altered the way I live... but I believe that it is mostly reversible. A lot of people love me, and the more positivity I get from people, the more confident I feel. I have started to believe people when they say "Hey you are a pretty good singer!" It takes me a while to believe people, but I do. I stop telling people that give me nice comments, that they are just saying these things because they love me and not because it is true.
I still have a long way to go though. I'm still scared of what people think, and sometimes nice comments simply don't work. You wouldn't want to give a person like me too many nice comments either, because I might start believing in myself too much. I know I need to find more balance in my life.

Hmm, I hope I didn't confuse you... I hope that I helped you understand. ;)

Being in love

 When Rob and I started going out, we felt connected, but I think it took a while for us to fall in love. I think he loved me first... I was a bit more cautious, because I wanted to make sure that my feelings were true. I look back on those days where we thought things were serious, and it brings a smile to my face. We loved each other yes, but it was so immature compared to the way things are now. We have been through a lot together these 3 and a half years, and lately (especially since out engagement) we seem to get closer and closer each day that we see each other. We were pretty sick and tired of being Boyfriend and Girlfriend, our relationship felt more mature than that and I don't think Rob could have picked a better time to propose :) I really enjoy being with him. Sometimes we both get a bit frustrated with each other, but no one is perfect. We are learning so much about each other, and from each other.
God has given us this gift of love. He has brought us together. I'm excited to learn more about Rob, and learn more from him, as well as journey through our faith together. I know married life isn't always attractive, but I can't help but be impatient!

I'm not sorry for being soppy, I speak the truth! :)
Love you Rob!

Lost?

Where would I be without Jesus?  I have gone through a lot of struggles in my life... last year was especially painful.... and I often wonder what would have happened if Jesus wasn't there. If I struggle now, how much more would I struggle if I didn't know Him? I don't think I can begin to imagine. Some would say that my life would be much the way it is now... I don't agree. I would be lost. I have thought that I was lost a number of times... I used to get (and sometimes still do get) rather confused about life. Sometimes I have thought that I am going insane.... but I don't think that anything can compare to being without Jesus... it is by far the most lost that one could get! Without Jesus, we are VERY lost. Jesus is the light, without Him there is darkness... pitch black darkness... therefore those who don't have the light are lost. I feel sorry for these people. Some of them think they have wonderful lives, but when it reaches the end, they won't have life at all.
Am I lost? No. Maybe I'm confused, maybe I have troubles that I can't handle... but they are temporary because I have Jesus, He is my guiding pathway.

Why so sick?

So I think I have complained about my sore throat a few too many times on here, but oh my goodness, boy am I fed up! I have had a sore throat for 24 weeks now, very soon it will be 6 months. The frustraiting thing is that it isn't just a sore throat,  my immune sytem is at the lowest it has ever been. Along with my sore throat, I'm also getting stomach bugs... I'm not usually one to get sick at all, so this is quite weird. I get lots of sinus infections as well, and I have also noticed an increase in my alergies in the past 24 weeks, I get hey feaver frequently.  It is like my body just can't be bothered fighting any more. Last night I had a scary thought, and you're going to think I'm crazy for thinking this, but I had a thought that I might be dying. I'm still not sure if I can comprehend that thought.... the more I think about it, it sounds silly, but I also feel like the reality is that if I stay sick for too much longer, I will find myself feeling rather weak, and eventually another 6 months will pass by and I will be even weaker. I'm finding myself out of energy now too, because of my cold. My heart rate seems to never be at the right pace, it is always too fast. I'm feeling particularly weak today.
I have been to the doctors 3 times... 2 with one doctor, and one with another. The tests that the first doctor did came back clear, and both sets of antibiotics didn't do a thing. I want to go to the doctor again, but I don't know if I should bother... Mum doesn't think so. I'm a bit unsure what to do about this one, it has gone on far too long, and at this rate, I think it will keep going on longer.

An anxiety to work.

A few weeks ago, I was on my way to work, and my tummy started feeling off. I got to work and I just didn't feel like I could go in. I was really scared that I was going to be sick or something. So on the way back home I tried ringing the centre, and I had no reception, then I called them vire Mum's phone and it didn't work until the second time. The boss was kinda angry that I didn't give her better notice. It upset me quite a bit. That night I got quite unwell and spewed up at 3:00 in the morning. I was weak for the rest of the day, and really tired. I was due to work the day after, but since I was sick, I couldn't work for 48 hours.
Since then, work hadn't rung me up. There has also been other times, where I had agreed to go to work, and then I woke up sick with a cold or uncomfortable feelings. Because of all the circumstances, I assumed that the boss was fed up with me, and didn't want to bother with me anymore. Unfortunately she rang me yesterday, wanting me to work today, and I felt the need to say yes... but after I said yes and hung up, I couldn't help but feel regret. It sounds really selfish, but I really didn't want to work, I wanted to stay home all day. I don't mind this Childcare Centre, but I can't help but feel that some of the people in it don't like me very much. They use me for my qualification and nothing else.
I went out to the movies with Rob yesterday afternoon, and spent a bit of the night with him, and I really didn't want to leave him so early... I was also really worried about work all night. I woke up much earlier than I wanted this morning, and work was all that was on my mind. I knew that because I am a relief worker, I could ring up and tell them I can't come in, but I also felt bad about not going as well. I was afraid that I would be sick again, I was afraid of coming back after not going for so long, I was tired, and I was miserable. I fell back to sleep, knowing that my alarm hadn't gone off, and I ended up having a dream about it. I woke up and fell back to sleep a few more times, still having weird dreams about work. I woke up when my alarm rang and felt miserable. I didn't know what to do. Mum tried so hard to get me to go to work, because I had made a commitment, and breaking that commitment would be wrong, but I couldn't bring myself to going to work. It got too late after everything, so I rang them up and told them that I couldn't come in. I let work down, I let Mum down,  I let Rob down and I let myself down. I'm quite dissapointed in myself.
Mum thinks I need to talk to Ruth again. I have suddenly got this anxiety to work, and it isn't healthy. She thinks that I get so sick because of emotional reasons. I don't know what it is, but it sucks. I feel really bad about this.

Valentines day.

I don't need an excuse to tell Rob how much I love him... but Valentines day is still special to me, because we can spend all day celebrating our love. I know Valentines day is very commercialised, but that factor doesn't get in the way.
Rob turned up to my door at about 9:00 yesterday morning, with a bunch of flowers and a card. I put them in a vase, and we headed off to the movies. After the movie, Rob took me somewhere to practice some more driving, it was quite fun. I drove for about 45 minutes! After my little driving lesson, He took me to Sandgate and we went for a walk. We bought some chips from Morgan's, and sat down to eat.We relaxed for a while, but I had to be at GB at 4:30. He took me home, then took me to GB, and waited around for a while until the girls arrived. After GB, he picked me up, and we went back to his house to spend some more time together. He took me home at about 12:30ish.
As I said, I was nice to spend all day celebrating our love. We can spend a day together and go out together, but on Valentines day our love is in focus.

Today I found out some sad news, I won't go into detail at all, but two people that are close to me broke up yesterday. Well they decided to take a 6 month break to sort things out, but I know that breaks don't usually end well. It shocked me, because they seemed so close. In fact everyone thought that they were going to be engaged before I was! I am praying and hoping that they get back together after the 6 months, it is in God's hands.... but I still feel upset. It just seems so wrong that this is happening!
It sort of made me think about how hard taking a break, or breaking up must be. It is as though one minute your life is set, and the next it isn't! This situation reminded me of how much I really do love Rob. I don't ever want to leave him.

A devotion

I have a little devotion book that I read through every day. On the 8th of Feb, I read this devotion, and it stood out to me...


'Sit quietly before mystery'

FOR READING AND MEDITATION
PSALM 46:1-11

'Be still, and know that I am God...' (v.10)

One way people try to face the fact that there is an inconsolable longing in the heart is to reduce it to something explainable. Dr Larry Crab, a Christian psychologist, says, 'Instead of sitting quietly before mystery, we try to bring it into the area of manageability. What fools we are.' This passion to explain matters is our way of bringing them under control. We feel less helpless and vulnerable when we are able to manage things than when we have to sit quietly before mystery. But the affairs of the soul can not always be managed; they are best handled by coming quietly before God in private prayer.


O God, much that is within me is a mystery. But help me to be more concerned with knowing You than knowing myself, for in knowing You I shall better know myself. Amen. 


Selwyn Hughes, Perfect Peace, Pocket Devotions. 


I have never thought of things this way before! I hope you get something out if it too!
God bless,
Love, E xx

I went for a drive!

A few weeks ago, I went to Somerset Dam with Rob's family, to go for a picnic. It was a lovely day. After our picnic we went driving to find a more quiet spot, and I didn't realise why until we got there! Rob's Dad had planned to take me for a driving lesson in a grassed area. I was shocked, and way too afraid. I didn't like the look of the spot we were in, and I also hated the fact that everyone would be watching me. I was a bit upset about this. Rob's Dad understood me, and respected my decision.
A week or so later, one Friday, I was at Rob's house, and his Dad asked me if we could go out the following Thursday to Maroon Dam so that he can give me a lesson out there. He explained that it was much more quiet, and a better space to learn. I felt like I didn't have a choice, and I agreed to give it a go.
So Yesterday was Thursday and we went out to Maroon Dam. Surprisingly I was more keen to have a go at it... I needed to prove to myself and to everyone else, that I can do this. We had a lovely picnic and then went straight to it. I was really scared at first, but I eventually got the guts up to do as Rob's Dad was saying. He reassured me that it was safe, and that he could take control if he needed to, by pulling the hand break. He was so encouraging. We went around the grass, up and down the hill for a few goes, and moved to the road track when he felt I was ready. I went around that track a number of times, working on breaking and accelerating, while he helped me steer. When I got the hang of it, He let go of the steering wheel and let me take full control. I mastered different corners on and off, I did really well. I enjoyed being so encouraged, and I had a lot of fun. It was nice to spend some time with Rob's Dad too. I feel so much better now, and I'm finally motivated to get my learners licence , so that I can tackle the real road! 

Guardian Angels?

The idea of Guardian Angels sound pretty good I suppose... having an Angel watch over one 24/7, and performing miracles in one's life... It sounds nice... but thankfully this is quite unrealistic! I'm not saying that I don't believe in Angels... I do... but whoever came up with this concept of Guardian Angels, simply misinterpreted bible verses.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guardian_angel I think they must have really liked the idea of having a personal Angel watch over them all the time. Angels are Holy and they do watch over us in some ways, but I strongly believe that people who believe in Guardian Angels are missing the bigger picture! God does everything a  "Guardian Angel" does (and MUCH more!)... He watches over us 24/7 and performs miracles in our lives. God doesn't need other beings to keep watch for us, because He already does that. He might use His Angels to perform miracles, but only through His power. No one is higher than God, or equal to Him.
I would rather have God watch over me than a Guardian Angel... He is my creator! He is my Father! People may find it a nicer thought to have their own personal Angel, but I think it is crazy, because God is so much bigger and better. I think it is much better to have one awesome God, the great "I AM", our creator, looking after us. Unlike an Angel, He looks after bazillions of people all at once, and also craves a personal relationship with us. He works in our lives each and every day!

What do you believe? What are your thoughts?

Love, E
God bless!

You're the one that I want

Beautiful!

For you

"For You"

If I talk real slowly, if I try real hard
To make my point dear, that you have my heart
Here I go, I'll tell you what you already know
Here I go, I'll tell you what you already know

If you love me with all of your heart
If you love me
I'll make you a star in my universe
You'll never have to go to work
You'll spend every day
Shining your light my way

If I talk real slowly, if I hold your hand
If you look real closely my love
You might understand
Here I go, I'll tell you what you already know
Here I go, I'll tell you what you already know

If you love me with all that you are
If you love me
I'll make you a star in my universe
You'll never have to go to work
You'll spend every day
Shining your light my way

4 Birthdays on the 4th of feb (that I know of)

I know 4 people with birthdays today:

Em- One of my besties (and a bridesmaid of mine).
Debbie- My friend Rach's Mum.
Ruth- Janes Mum.
Jake- My long time primary school crush... and playground boyfriend for 1 and a half years.

Don't know what to do tonight.

I'm bored, and tired as mentioned in my previous post... and I don't have a clue what to do this Saturday night. Nothing is on TV, and I have nearly been on the computer all day. I don't feel like reading... I don't really feel like doing anything. I wouldn't mind some company, but then two people would be bored. I think I'm too tired to go out too. *Heavy Sigh* Zzzzzzzzzzz

Soooo sleeeepy

I am feeling really tired today for some reason. I feel like collapsing on my bed, and going to sleep... but it is way too early. *sigh*. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz