We all have different lives, and this blog is revealing some of mine :) enjoy!

God bless

Friday, February 17, 2012

An anxiety to work.

A few weeks ago, I was on my way to work, and my tummy started feeling off. I got to work and I just didn't feel like I could go in. I was really scared that I was going to be sick or something. So on the way back home I tried ringing the centre, and I had no reception, then I called them vire Mum's phone and it didn't work until the second time. The boss was kinda angry that I didn't give her better notice. It upset me quite a bit. That night I got quite unwell and spewed up at 3:00 in the morning. I was weak for the rest of the day, and really tired. I was due to work the day after, but since I was sick, I couldn't work for 48 hours.
Since then, work hadn't rung me up. There has also been other times, where I had agreed to go to work, and then I woke up sick with a cold or uncomfortable feelings. Because of all the circumstances, I assumed that the boss was fed up with me, and didn't want to bother with me anymore. Unfortunately she rang me yesterday, wanting me to work today, and I felt the need to say yes... but after I said yes and hung up, I couldn't help but feel regret. It sounds really selfish, but I really didn't want to work, I wanted to stay home all day. I don't mind this Childcare Centre, but I can't help but feel that some of the people in it don't like me very much. They use me for my qualification and nothing else.
I went out to the movies with Rob yesterday afternoon, and spent a bit of the night with him, and I really didn't want to leave him so early... I was also really worried about work all night. I woke up much earlier than I wanted this morning, and work was all that was on my mind. I knew that because I am a relief worker, I could ring up and tell them I can't come in, but I also felt bad about not going as well. I was afraid that I would be sick again, I was afraid of coming back after not going for so long, I was tired, and I was miserable. I fell back to sleep, knowing that my alarm hadn't gone off, and I ended up having a dream about it. I woke up and fell back to sleep a few more times, still having weird dreams about work. I woke up when my alarm rang and felt miserable. I didn't know what to do. Mum tried so hard to get me to go to work, because I had made a commitment, and breaking that commitment would be wrong, but I couldn't bring myself to going to work. It got too late after everything, so I rang them up and told them that I couldn't come in. I let work down, I let Mum down,  I let Rob down and I let myself down. I'm quite dissapointed in myself.
Mum thinks I need to talk to Ruth again. I have suddenly got this anxiety to work, and it isn't healthy. She thinks that I get so sick because of emotional reasons. I don't know what it is, but it sucks. I feel really bad about this.

1 comment:

kat said...

once again i know how u feel. not work but i was like that with homegroup last year. i was getting sick a lot and so was staying home because i was either actually sick or felt sick but it turned out i was just afraid of being sick. i'd go out and have an upset stomach the entire time and then it would go away when i got home.

i agree with ur mum that u should talk to ruth again. coz unfortunately as much as we'd all like to avoid it we have to work. at some point you just have to force yourself to go back. or else you may lose the job completely.

try and fix this problem/anxiety before it becomes too much and you find yourself trapped in the cycle of cancelling on them.