We all have different lives, and this blog is revealing some of mine :) enjoy!

God bless

Friday, June 29, 2012

Tired of being tired.

I'm tired of crying
I'm tired of yelling
I'm tired of being sad
I'm tired of pretending
I'm tired of being alone
I'm tired of being angry
I'm tired of feeling crazy
I'm tired of feeling stuck
I'm tired of needing help
I'm tired of remebering
I'm tired of missing things
I'm tired of being sick
I'm tired of being different
I'm tired of missing people
I'm tired of feeling worthless
I'm tired of feeling empty inside
I'm tired of not being able to just let go
I'm tired of wishing I could just start over
I'm tired of dreaming of a life I will never have
But most of all, I'm just tired of being tired

Wednesday, June 27, 2012


I'm sick of stress and I get sick when I'm stressed. I have been sick for so long now, and I am well past the fed up point. I'm not angry at the doctors, I'm not angry at anyone... I just don't understand why I am sick, and I don't know why there aren't answers. I am sick of not knowing... and it is making me stressed. When I get stressed, I get even more sick, so it is an endless cycle of being stressed and sick.
Recently I have been feeling incredibly emotional. I have an almost perfect job, but I have little motivation to go. I know I might be more motivated when I get into more of a routine, but I'm sick and stressed. The director at work is lovely and told me on my induction day that if I ever feel too sick or stressed to come to work, then let them know. I had to do that today, and now I'm even more stressed. I was scared of getting sick at work, and now I'm not there, I'm not sure if I should have taken a sick day. I'm not looking forward to facing work tomorrow. 
My emotions are going crazy, and now I am considering that there may be something wrong with me. Since childhood I have thought that I have a mental condition... no one really believes me, but I just know that there is something wrong with me.... thinking that I have a mental condition, and not being able to stop, is almost mental in itself. No one can understand my way of thinking. I'm more emotional than the average woman. I even took a psychologist test online about depression... and it said that there is a possibility of depression. It obviously isn't full blown, because I would be sure about it then... but the test was quite specific, and I believe it. I know there is something wrong.
In the past few days I have felt like I'm being stared at. I got that quite a bit when I was a teenager, but I thought people were just staring at me because I had a lot of pimples, and I classed myself as ugly. Now I don't feel like I'm ugly really, because I'm taking the pill, which gets rid of my acne. I'm also wearing makeup, so it makes me look kind of nice. It freaks me out when people give me funny looks...Is my hair not right? Does my make up look weird? What is wrong?
So confused right now. I need help.

Friday, June 8, 2012


Pressure is terrible. Pressure makes me panic, it makes me scared, it makes me angry, it makes me depressed.
What if I can't do what you want me to do? What if I don't want to do what you want me to do? Why does it have to be me?
I hate it when someone asks me to do something out of my comfort zone. There is the rare occasion where I do whatever I'm told and I don't find it as bad as I thought.... but if I'm asked to do it again later on down the track, I am most likely going to be as scared as I was the first time. On occasion I will be ok and gain more independence, but most of the time, if I feel like something is too risky, I won't go ahead with it. I must admit, I am fairly good at refusing to do things that I don't want to do, but that tends to lead into embarrassment and shame.

I think the worst pressure is when everyone expects something of you and you know what you are capable of, but they insist that you can be better. It is nice of them to encourage, but sometimes I find encouragement like that, discouraging.
As I told you in my last post, I've been really sick lately, and it has made me afraid of going out for too long. The thing is, I have to leave my house. For starters my Doctor tells me that I need exercise. Other than that, I want to be social. My friend wanted to gather a few people to go to the movies on Wednesday, and I was too afraid to go, because I didn't want to get sick. I have a number of camps and social things coming up in the next few months, and this sickness has made me afraid to go. I have a training day coming up for my new casual job, and apart from general nerves, I'm scared that I'm going to be sick that day. I'm afraid of the unknown. I never know when I will get sick... and because it is a job on the line that I have here, everyone has pretty much told me that I have no choice but to toughen up. Well, I have news for them, if they call toughening up, not going to the toilet when you really need to (like I need to when I'm sick), then why don't they try it? Maybe some people could handle it, but I know from experience that it is easier said than done. I have been out many times where I needed to go to the toilet because of my sickness, and I have tried to hold on, but it eventually becomes too much discomfort to handle and that is when I panic. Time and time again I am told that once I get into my job, I'll forget about my sickness.... how do they know this? They are relating my experience with theirs, which... no offense... is stupid considering not even the doctors know what is wrong with me. It may seem similar, but they can not judge what I'm going through. They make it sound so easy.
All I can do is to pray and trust Jesus... thankfully I haven't needed to rush to the toilet in the past two days... so either God is answering the prayers that people have been praying for me, or my sickness is holding back at the moment for some reason. For all I know, I'm allergic to something, which I ate earlier on in the week and haven't eaten in the past few days.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is, I wish people would carefully consider other peoples situations. Do they not realize that I am under pressure, without them adding to it?

That's just my opinion. 

Tuesday, June 5, 2012


Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I was sitting in Church on Sunday morning, having a good think about this verse. It is my favourite verse, and right now it couldn't be more helpful to me.

I have written in previous posts about my sore throat and sickness, but I haven't updated you in a while. I went to the ENT  7 weeks ago to see what he could do about my throat. I had been to the doctors 3 or 4 times and they couldn't figure out my problem. I had a number of blood tests taken, and they were all clear. By the time I went to the ENT, my sore throat had hung around for 6 months. The ENT looked at my throat and asked me a lot of questions. All he could see was that I have little lumps on the back of my throat. He put it down to Silent Reflux, which is reflux that you can't feel. I was given Somac tablets to take for 6 weeks, and when the 6 weeks was up, I was to report back to him. I did so last Tuesday.  I told him that the tablets had not done a thing, and it left him confused. He called me a medical mystery. He explained that I don't have the normal symptoms for a chronic sore throat. He checked my throat once again and noticed the little bumps like last time. He mentioned that they can be a number of things, and one of his suggestions was that they are a reaction to allergies. That made me wonder if it could be allergies, because I have had a sick stomach and a throbbing head along with my sore throat. My sick stomach has worsened more recently, and my throbbing head has become more noticeable. I told him all of the details about that, and he got a bit concerned about my throbbing head, so he wrote a referral for me to get my brain and sinuses scanned. He said that it was unlikely that there is a tumor, but there is still a possibility. I got a bit worried, but I was pleased with that idea of the scan at first, because it may help me find out what is wrong... but then I made the mistake of watching RPA last Wednesday, and there happened to be a young guy, about my age with Cancer. The slight worry I was having, turned into a bit more of a panic. I told myself that I'll be fine, and God has it under control, but it didn't stop me worrying all week. I had my Scan just yesterday, and I received the images, and was told that my ENT and normal GP will receive the images within 24 hours. I haven't received a call from them at all, so I don't know what to think. Either they haven't had a chance to look at it, or they can't see anything wrong. I don't want there to be anything seriously wrong, but I was hoping that they would find something, so that they can give me some sort of diagnosis. 
I'm fed up with having a sore throat, a throbbing head, and a sick stomach. I get sick every time I'm out. I always need to go to the toilet, and it isn't fun at all, especially when I'm not home. I'm worried about my ability to work. I received news a week or two ago, that I was accepted into Birralee Childcare Centre as casual staff, and I have two training sessions coming up on the 18th of June. After that I can be called in to work. I'm really scared that I'll be too sick. It is bad enough missing out on social activities, let alone work. 

There is so much worry there, but I guess after reading Philippians 4:6-7 again, I feel as though there is hope. It is hard to not be anxious, but I need to stop right now.

The first part says  "6 Do not be anxious about ANYTHING" that is an order, not advice. I have been told that worry is a Sin. I know that there are people who disagree with that, but I do agree. Even if it isn't a Sin, it should be! We are to trust in God at all times. 

",but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
This part of the verse is another order... pray, and give thanks no matter what the situation! Talk to God, and ask Him for help. We should never try and fix things on our own. Trust and obey!

   "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
This part is a reassurance that God has full understanding. He will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

I need to do exactly this. I need to pray and trust in Him. It has been hard, and it may continue to be hard, but trust is what it is all about. It hurts not to be able to sing, it hurts that I am afraid of going out, it hurts that I don't know how to heal, It is absolutely helplessness, but surely God knows what He is doing! Amen!

                                                        Cry out to Jesus- Third Day

                                                    Who am I? Casting Crowns