We all have different lives, and this blog is revealing some of mine :) enjoy!

God bless

Friday, June 8, 2012


Pressure is terrible. Pressure makes me panic, it makes me scared, it makes me angry, it makes me depressed.
What if I can't do what you want me to do? What if I don't want to do what you want me to do? Why does it have to be me?
I hate it when someone asks me to do something out of my comfort zone. There is the rare occasion where I do whatever I'm told and I don't find it as bad as I thought.... but if I'm asked to do it again later on down the track, I am most likely going to be as scared as I was the first time. On occasion I will be ok and gain more independence, but most of the time, if I feel like something is too risky, I won't go ahead with it. I must admit, I am fairly good at refusing to do things that I don't want to do, but that tends to lead into embarrassment and shame.

I think the worst pressure is when everyone expects something of you and you know what you are capable of, but they insist that you can be better. It is nice of them to encourage, but sometimes I find encouragement like that, discouraging.
As I told you in my last post, I've been really sick lately, and it has made me afraid of going out for too long. The thing is, I have to leave my house. For starters my Doctor tells me that I need exercise. Other than that, I want to be social. My friend wanted to gather a few people to go to the movies on Wednesday, and I was too afraid to go, because I didn't want to get sick. I have a number of camps and social things coming up in the next few months, and this sickness has made me afraid to go. I have a training day coming up for my new casual job, and apart from general nerves, I'm scared that I'm going to be sick that day. I'm afraid of the unknown. I never know when I will get sick... and because it is a job on the line that I have here, everyone has pretty much told me that I have no choice but to toughen up. Well, I have news for them, if they call toughening up, not going to the toilet when you really need to (like I need to when I'm sick), then why don't they try it? Maybe some people could handle it, but I know from experience that it is easier said than done. I have been out many times where I needed to go to the toilet because of my sickness, and I have tried to hold on, but it eventually becomes too much discomfort to handle and that is when I panic. Time and time again I am told that once I get into my job, I'll forget about my sickness.... how do they know this? They are relating my experience with theirs, which... no offense... is stupid considering not even the doctors know what is wrong with me. It may seem similar, but they can not judge what I'm going through. They make it sound so easy.
All I can do is to pray and trust Jesus... thankfully I haven't needed to rush to the toilet in the past two days... so either God is answering the prayers that people have been praying for me, or my sickness is holding back at the moment for some reason. For all I know, I'm allergic to something, which I ate earlier on in the week and haven't eaten in the past few days.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is, I wish people would carefully consider other peoples situations. Do they not realize that I am under pressure, without them adding to it?

That's just my opinion. 


kat said...

yep understand. im stressing over the young ads retreat day. kane has been so sweet making it so that i can join but im scared of getting sick and having to say i cant go/disapointing him or worse getting sick on the bus that he wants me to be able to go on.

Liss said...

Did he tell you that he wants me to come to keep you company, and just hang around for the day? I want to go, but I am pretty much in the same boat, what if I get too sick? It isn't so easily solved.
It is hard for both of us. I don't want to say no either, but He might end up with two sick ladies on the bus, making the whole day miserable.

Anonymous said...

yeh i think he wants us to both go and keep each other company. as in i think he wants you to go to keep me company coz i cant do the activity and he wants me to come. and i think he wants me to go to keep you company coz he wants to encourage you to come and if you're with me then you're more likely to want to go. does that make sense?

at this stage i am going though. i need to ask him about the bus though coz seriously i cant see how im even physically getting on it? i cant crawl up the stairs and life myself into the seat like i could when i was a kid. lol too old, too fat/unfit plus i dont want to risk my leg banging around just in case i make whatever is wrong with it worse.

Anonymous said...

* lift not life. lol