The Huntsmasn lives..... gasp!

SO on Saturday Night I was out for a while, and when I came home, I decided to go on the computer and this HUGE huntsman was on the wall. I went straight to the kitchen to get the bug spray! So I sprayed it thoroughly from a distance and it ran behind the curtain. I had no idea where it was going to go, so I hesitantly left it. I sat down on the computer chair and tucked my feet up just in case.

About half an hour later, Matt comes home and sees the spider further along the wall. I couldn't believe that it was still alive. SO Matt drenches it in bug spray until it turns white and starts shriveling up (as they do)... but it was STILL alive. Matt ended up getting a stick and squashing it into the wall. He then scraped it onto a piece of paper and through it out.


EEEEEEEEEEK

My hair!

 Just for random sake. This is my new-ish hair colour, and a pretty braid in my hair.

I have actually had this hair colour for a couple of weeks. It isn't permanent and it is much lighter than it was. It is apparently auburn. You probably can't see it in the light anyway, but I think it's pretty :)



<<< posing

                                                                               





                                                                            The braid >>>

<<< Posing again.










p.s. My mum did the braid :)  <3

Oh, hello again.

Soooo, yeah. I'm back again. Don't know how long for.
I feel less motivation to write when no one really reads my blog...not that Rob and Katrina are "no ones"... but I see Rob nearly every day in a week, and Katrina every Sunday (and Tuesday when GB is on). Sometimes it feels pointless writing when two important people in my life nearly always hear my complaints etc before I blog. When I started this blog I was a depressed person, full of emotions and feelings that I wanted to share, but really didn't know who to share them with. In a way, I guess my blogging really helped me during those times.
I suppose this blog isn't completely useless, I'm writing what I'm feeling now aren't I? So anyhow, I guess we'll see where it leads me. I may or may not be back tomorrow.

Here is an update on my life at the moment....
For a long time I was feeling really empty. Particularly in the past few months. I keep finding myself really busy and stressed over little things. I'm now on full dose anti-depressants... really I'm just taking two mild ones to make a full one... I haven't told my doctor yet, but I promise I will. I was too scared to ask him about it, so I just went for it. They probably wont kick in for another couple of weeks, but so far so good. I am feeling a lot better. I can deal with problems easier. Stress is still there, but drugs can't fix everything. They do help though, and I am more motivated for life than I was before.
This day last week, I found out some amazing news. Rob came over to my house to spend time with me. We were still trying to decide what to do, so I decided to play the piano (as you do). Then I hear Rob's phone ringing, and Rob dash out with it. I finished the song I was playing then waited. My first thought was that it was his work (pizza hut) calling, and I was desperately hoping that he would say no to going in to work. Then I got a little anxious, because he was on the phone for longer than if it was just work calling. My thoughts turned to "emergency" and "uh oh, whats happened, hurry up and get off your phone Rob!". Nek minute he comes in with a serious look on his face, but it wasn't an "emergency" look on his face. He looked like he was trying to hide a smile, but it was hidden by more of a nervous look... it's hard to explain... He asked me to sit down with him on the couch, which got me super confused and anxious, and then he FINALLY said what the phone call was about!!!!! ...................................................................suspense...............................................................
(hehe, sorry I just wanted you to feel suspense too... although if it is only Katrina reading this then she already knows what this is about... Hi Katrina!!!)
........ Where were we.... oh yeah..... So Rob just blurts out that he had just been accepted into an internship. I was nearly in tears, and I'm pretty sure I squeezed Rob like a lemon, but I was soooo happy!!!!
Just a bit of B.I.... When Rob proposed to me, I was really excited obviously, and we started thinking about wedding plans. We decided that Rob would probably have an internship by the end of 2012, and by 2013 we should be able to get married. That kind of all slowly went downhill. There seemed to be no signs of an internship, and a couple of months ago Rob was looking through his subjects and realised that there were some hidden that he didn't see earlier.... which put his grad further back to mid 2014. I was disappointed to hear it, and even more disappointed when I realised that it was less likely for him to get an internship this far away from grad.
During the past months I have been quite fed up with people asking when the wedding is. I don't blame them for asking, because this is a long engagement, but it was still annoying!

So yeah.... SUPER SUPER SUPER happy now. Wedding is possibly the end of next year.

Last week I also had some amazing news, that I was accepted to go on a week trip to PNG next year with a group of ladies (the "She is..." crew). Next year is going to be huge, and I need to save a heap of money, but I have no doubt that God will provide. I found out this Monday that Mum can also come on the trip. I'm sure I will write more about that another time.

But yeah, for now, life is mostly good. I'm enjoying work and also getting in the Christmas spirit.
Ooh yeah, and more good news, I only had physio once this week! Hooray! lol, I don't know if that means much, but I'm hoping I can keep up my exercises and good manual handling techniques, so that my back feels better and better each day :)
In general health, I still have my sore throat. I have a cold at the moment, and my stomach sickness is pretty much out of the picture most of the time. Woop!

Until next time, I bid you farewell!  

Running out of things to say

Yeah, so I have no idea what to say. Life is ok. Much the same.

Hello Blog

So it turns out I haven't posted since the 31st of July. I guess I haven't really felt like writing much lately.

So much has happened over the past few months. I went on Ladies camp in August, as well as State Conference for GB... in September I went on a week cruise to Noumea, Lifou, and Vanuatu... In early October I went on SMASH camp. In between all of that, I have been working.
I am doing a Lunch relief job for Birralee Childcare Center. I only work 2 and a quarter hours a day, but since I'm casual, the pay is pretty good.

As for my health, I'm pretty much the same, although my stomach problems have calmed down a bit since I started up on mild anti-depressants. I think it was mostly stress, but I do still think that I am allergic to something. My sore throat is much the same, still sore and as annoying as ever. It sucks not being able to sing. For the past month or two I have been going to physio twice a week. It has been costing a lot, and only healing a little. My body doesn't want me to heal.

Emotionally, I'm heaps tired. I'm mostly good, but I have been going through various struggles. I won't get into that right now.

Anywho, that is all I have to say.

I'm not sick.... I just think I am.

So I went to the doctor on Saturday because my ear was hurting and was blocked. It turned out that I had a middle ear infection, and antibiotics would fix it. I hadn't been to this doctor before, so I thought it would be a good opportunity to ask her if she had any ideas about my health issues. I told her about how I can feel my pulse throughout my body, and at first she was confused about what I meant by that. She asked questions and I explained further. She didn't really know what it could be because I have already had tests done for all of the nasty stuff that I could have, and those tests came back clear. She told me that sometimes some people feel things in their body more than other people. I thought it was an interesting answer. I think she said something about a hyper sensitivity.
Anyway, then we talked a bit about my stomach problems and how I think it is IBS... and we talked about how I have had a sore throat for just about 11 months, and how it has gotten worse. She asked a bunch of questions about that too, and eventually came to the conclusion that it was stress related. She also said something about how sometimes thinking about sickness makes it worse. I can't remember her exact words... but I think what she meant was that my brain has tricked my body in to thinking that I am more sick than I am....
 e.g. When I first got my sore throat I didn't pay much attention to it... I had gotten a sore throat on and off lately anyway... but when it got to the 3 week mark of having my sore throat, I started thinking about how odd it is to have it for so long. ......Now I think about it, 3 weeks with a sore throat isn't that uncommon, especially for a person who spends time around children (I wasn't working with children at that time, but it was flu season, and I was teaching Sunday school at the time)...... But back then, 3 weeks with a sore throat wasn't normal and I stared thinking about it a lot. I tried a bunch of natural remedies which didn't work, and then I sore my doctor at 7 weeks of the sore throat. I had blood tests done and I was given ideas, the blood tests were clear, and I have had many more blood tests done, and seen more doctors about it etc etc etc. Somewhere along the line, I started worrying about it, and that is most likely when my brain did something crazy and because of that, my throat is still sore and will be probably until I work through it with a psychologist.
It makes sense! It is confusing, but our brains can do weird things. It especially makes sense because there are no visible signs in my throat of a chronic sore throat. I think my doctor is on to something! I hope she is right too... because it was getting to the point where there was nothing that could be done.
I might partly I have a big bug and a low immune system... I'm working with children daily now....It is normal to be sick at the start of a childcare career. But I think in the long run, I'm making it worse thinking about it. I would have never have thought about it this way if it wasn't for the ear infection I had....
I believe that God gave me this ear infection on a Friday night, so that I wouldn't go to my usual medical centre the next day (they are not open Saturdays), so that I could visit a doctor who had different ideas for me. My past 3 doctors have said that it is related to stress, but I didn't fully believe it until this doctor explained it the way she did.

Just something to think about.

http://christiancounsellor.wix.com/freecounselling

Relationship advice?

Ok, so this is not really like me... asking for advice over the Internet from randoms (although I know that those who follow my blog are not randoms)... but I haven't been able to talk to my mentor since last year, and all I want is your thoughts on my issue.

So Rob and I have been going out for 3 years and 11 months (4 years in two weeks!). We have been engaged for almost 8 months... and... IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE!!!!
I'm not patient... and I think surely God must be trying to teach us both patience... but jee I just want to be married to Rob right now!  So many people I know have gotten married in the past few years. I know an old friend of mine only got engaged about a month ago, and she is getting married in October. I'll admit, I'm very jealous! Rob and I probably won't have enough money to get married, until the end of next year!
We both want to know that we'll be with each other when we go to bed and when we wake up (and a little bit in between). I'm sick of saying goodbye to him, it sucks! When I went to the Bunya Mountains with him and his family a few weeks ago, I didn't want to say goodnight to him... I had the pleasure of a Queen size bed, and I craved to share it with him... not to fool around in... I simply craved to have him with me all night, holding me, keeping me safe. The bed felt so empty with tiny me in it. I was also scared, because the room was pitch black with the lights off. Rob declined when I asked him to stay with me... and it was the right thing for him to do... but I freaked out quite a bit, being alone.
I want to know if what I am describing, sounds normal to you?
I watch Home and Away quite a lot ... and what I have noticed in the past months, is that some of the couples will be together somewhere, talking or whatever, and then they have to part for whatever reason. The girl in the relationship doesn't cry when the guy has to leave... They both say their quick kissy goodbyes and that is it.
Well... I can't do that. I cry almost every time Rob has to go. I know he has to go, and that makes it worse.
I desperately want married life. I know they say that it is hard work being married, and fights occur more often..... but we will deal with that when it comes. I want to get married!!!!
Rob and I watch a lot of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. I have all 10 seasons on DVD, and we have just finished watching season 6. We love the show (me especially), it is funny... and it is good seeing strong lasting friendships. The problem  with it though, is that there is not one episode that hasn't got some kind of suss reference in it. Since we have been watching it for the past few months, it has been a bit hard for me to grasp what is right and what is wrong. Right now Monica and Chandler are living together, and obviously sleeping together. In the last episode of season 6, Chandler proposes. Technically it is round the wrong way. God makes it obvious in the bible that couples should leave, cleave, and then become one. Firstly a couple should find out weather they are right for each other, then they should be engaged ( in my opinion for more than a month) and then they are to marry, and leave their homes to make a new home (that is the leave part) then they can have intercourse (cleaving and becoming one). Part of that means growing closer emotionally. What God intends is important.
Watching tv shows like F.R.I.E.N.D.S, makes me realise how wrong society is... but it has become so normal to me that I find it almost acceptable. I thought it was cute when Monica and Chandler first... you know... and then when they moved in together. That is most likely why I asked Rob to sleep in my bed at the Bunya mountains. It felt ok. I figured that we love each other and that we will marry, so it is fine... it is just sleeping and cuddling that is all. It's wrong though, and we both know it. Rob and I will never have sex before marriage, we see the importance in keeping pure and having control, after all, God is our Father and he knows best.... but I'm impatient with almost everything else! *sigh* .

Is it normal for a christian couple to be this impatient? I know that there are many christians who have had sex before marriage, but I still feel weird. Am I too attached to Rob?

Any ideas would be appreciated... mostly prayer. xo.

Fuzzy wuzzy

Fuzzy Wuzzy Was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair, so Fuzzy Wuzzy Wasn't Fuzzy Was he? ^^

Another personality quiz thingamajig ^^

1: The last person you kissed screams they love you, you say... Yeah, I know Rob, I love you too ;)  

2: Did you get to sleep in today? Depends what you call "sleep in" I woke up at 9:30 to get ready for work, but I could have slept longer
3: You never know what you got until you lose it? Yeah, sometimes.
4: Do you have siblings? Yep, two older brothers
5: How many kids do you want? 2 or 3
6: Who was the last person you held hands with? Rob
7: Did you stand on your tippy-toes for your last kiss? Yes xD
8: Do you think if you died, the last person you kissed would care? Absolutely
9: Last person to talk on the phone? Rob
10: Did anyone watch you the last time you kissed someone? Nope.
11: When’s your birthday? 23/06/92
12: Remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed? Mhmm, we were sitting on a couch ^^
13: What kind of phone do you have? Samsung Galaxy Ace
14: Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants? Jeans
15: Are you a different person now than you were 5 years ago? Yep… and same goes for everyone… dah!
16: What were you doing at 4 am? Sleeping
17: Would you rather write a paper or give a speech? Speech
18: Are you lying to yourself about something? I don’t know… am I?
19: Last night you felt…? A combination of tired, warn out, and hypo
20: What’s something you cannot wait for? I’m going away on Friday for the whole weekend with Rob and his family, to the Bunya mountains!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
21: Ever told your parents you were going somewhere but when somewhere different? Perhaps  >>
22: How many hours of sleep did you get last night? 9ish
23: Are you a morning or night person? Night!
24: What did you get your last bruise from? A blood test
25: Do you reply to all of your texts? Most of them… it depends who it is
26: Your phone is ringing, It’s the person you fell hardest for. What do you do? Well it would be Rob, so I would say “Hey Babe”
27: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed? Nope, we were at my front door
28: Anyone you would like to get things straight with? Yes
29: How many months until your birthday? 11 months
30: Favorite thing to eat with peanut butter? I don’t like peanut butter
31: Did you like this past summer? I dunno
32: What were you doing before you got on the computer? I was at work
33: Your ex is sitting next to you, with their new partner. What do you do? Probably talk to them.
34: What is the last thing you said out loud? “Cool”
35: Your mood summed into one word? Eh
36: Are you doing anything else besides taking this survey? Nope, but just about to take a Psychology quiz
37: What are your initials? EK
38: Are you a happy person? Let’s just say, I’m VERY emotional
39: Do you still talk to the person you liked 4 months ago? Haha, yes I do still talk to my fiancé!
40: Where do you want to live when you’re older? I want to live in a big house… somewhere nice… that is close to where I live now
41: Have you had your birthday this year? Yep, last month, I went to Australia Zoo ^^
42: What did you do yesterday? I worked… then I went to the shops and bought chocolates and flowers for Rob’s Mum for her birthday… Then I went to Girls Brigade, where me made a giant obstacle course… then I went to Rob’s and had dinner with his family, and watched the “Puss in Boots” movie…. Then I went home and went to sleep.
43: What will you be doing tomorrow? Working… and then going to the shops to by myself an iPod
44: How late did you stay up last night? Till 12:00
45: Is there anyone you would do anything for? Yes.
46: Is it hard to make you laugh? Not really
47: Do you believe ex’s can be just friends? Of course….depending on the situation
48: Do you think any of your exes will eventually want to be with you again? Don’t know and don’t care.
49: How many people have you had feelings for in the year of 2012? 1
50: Do you wish your ex was dead? I don’t wish ANYONE dead.
51: Have you ever dyed your hair? Nope
52: Would ever take back someone that cheated? Probably not, I wouldn’t be able to trust them, even if they had changed…. But that doesn’t matter because I have Rob <3
53: Was New Year’s Even enjoyable? Yer
54: Bet you’re missing someone right now? Definitely!
55: How would your parents react if you got a tattoo? They might freak a little bit, but they would have to respect my decision. I would probably tell them first.
56: Sleep on your back or stomach? Depends
57: If you could move away, no questions asked, where would it be? Somewhere with Rob
58: What would you change about your life right now? So many things, I could write a whole book about it.
59: Has anything upset you in the past week? Yep
60: Are you on the phone? Nah
61: Today, would you rather go forward a week or back? Forward!
62: Would you take $40,000 or a brand new car? $40,000... I want a wedding!
63: Have you ever talked to someone when they were high? Nope
64: Ever cried while you were on the phone with someone? Yes.
65: Have you ever copied someone elses homework? Maybe *shifty eyes*… but they let me.
66: Are you the type of person who likes to be out or at home? Home
67: Do you automatically check your phone when you wake up? Yes, it’s the first thing I do
68: Have you ever stayed up all night on the phone? Nup
69: Could you use some sleep right now? Mhmm, but I can’t sleep during the day
70: Are you going to have a baby by the time you’re 18? Uhm, I’m 20, so no
71: Does it bother you when someone hides things from you? Yes, the truth shouldn’t be bottled up
72: What’s your favourite colour? Pink
73: Have you ever slept in the same room with someone you liked? Yep… all night movie night at youth group…. Lol Ben Austin
74: Have you ever been looking for something and it was already in your hand? Quite often
75: Do you get annoyed easily? Can do
76: If someone liked you, would you want them to tell you? Hmm I get curious if people have feelings for me, but I don’t really need to know, because I have Rob
77: Do you have a person of the opposite sex that you can tell everything to? Yes
78: Does anyone call you babe? Yes
79: How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? A few, but I wouldn’t necessarily tell them everything
80: What do you prefer, relationship or one night stand? Relationship
81: What colour hoodie did you wear last? Grey (am wearing it now)
82: Is there someone who meant a lot to you at one point, and isn’t around anymore? Yeah. :(

Bible Emergency Numbers

I wrote these down a few nights ago, and they definitely come in handy. I would absolutely recommend you have a read of these verses in each of these situations.The bible is our guideline for living and learning, and we would be lost without it.

Tired of being tired.

I'm tired of crying

I'm tired of yelling

I'm tired of being sad

I'm tired of pretending

I'm tired of being alone

I'm tired of being angry

I'm tired of feeling crazy

I'm tired of feeling stuck

I'm tired of needing help

I'm tired of remebering

I'm tired of missing things

I'm tired of being sick

I'm tired of being different

I'm tired of missing people

I'm tired of feeling worthless

I'm tired of feeling empty inside

I'm tired of not being able to just let go

I'm tired of wishing I could just start over

I'm tired of dreaming of a life I will never have

But most of all, I'm just tired of being tired

Stress

I'm sick of stress and I get sick when I'm stressed. I have been sick for so long now, and I am well past the fed up point. I'm not angry at the doctors, I'm not angry at anyone... I just don't understand why I am sick, and I don't know why there aren't answers. I am sick of not knowing... and it is making me stressed. When I get stressed, I get even more sick, so it is an endless cycle of being stressed and sick.
Recently I have been feeling incredibly emotional. I have an almost perfect job, but I have little motivation to go. I know I might be more motivated when I get into more of a routine, but I'm sick and stressed. The director at work is lovely and told me on my induction day that if I ever feel too sick or stressed to come to work, then let them know. I had to do that today, and now I'm even more stressed. I was scared of getting sick at work, and now I'm not there, I'm not sure if I should have taken a sick day. I'm not looking forward to facing work tomorrow. 
My emotions are going crazy, and now I am considering that there may be something wrong with me. Since childhood I have thought that I have a mental condition... no one really believes me, but I just know that there is something wrong with me.... thinking that I have a mental condition, and not being able to stop, is almost mental in itself. No one can understand my way of thinking. I'm more emotional than the average woman. I even took a psychologist test online about depression... and it said that there is a possibility of depression. It obviously isn't full blown, because I would be sure about it then... but the test was quite specific, and I believe it. I know there is something wrong.
In the past few days I have felt like I'm being stared at. I got that quite a bit when I was a teenager, but I thought people were just staring at me because I had a lot of pimples, and I classed myself as ugly. Now I don't feel like I'm ugly really, because I'm taking the pill, which gets rid of my acne. I'm also wearing makeup, so it makes me look kind of nice. It freaks me out when people give me funny looks...Is my hair not right? Does my make up look weird? What is wrong?
So confused right now. I need help.

Pressure

Pressure is terrible. Pressure makes me panic, it makes me scared, it makes me angry, it makes me depressed.
What if I can't do what you want me to do? What if I don't want to do what you want me to do? Why does it have to be me?
I hate it when someone asks me to do something out of my comfort zone. There is the rare occasion where I do whatever I'm told and I don't find it as bad as I thought.... but if I'm asked to do it again later on down the track, I am most likely going to be as scared as I was the first time. On occasion I will be ok and gain more independence, but most of the time, if I feel like something is too risky, I won't go ahead with it. I must admit, I am fairly good at refusing to do things that I don't want to do, but that tends to lead into embarrassment and shame.

I think the worst pressure is when everyone expects something of you and you know what you are capable of, but they insist that you can be better. It is nice of them to encourage, but sometimes I find encouragement like that, discouraging.
As I told you in my last post, I've been really sick lately, and it has made me afraid of going out for too long. The thing is, I have to leave my house. For starters my Doctor tells me that I need exercise. Other than that, I want to be social. My friend wanted to gather a few people to go to the movies on Wednesday, and I was too afraid to go, because I didn't want to get sick. I have a number of camps and social things coming up in the next few months, and this sickness has made me afraid to go. I have a training day coming up for my new casual job, and apart from general nerves, I'm scared that I'm going to be sick that day. I'm afraid of the unknown. I never know when I will get sick... and because it is a job on the line that I have here, everyone has pretty much told me that I have no choice but to toughen up. Well, I have news for them, if they call toughening up, not going to the toilet when you really need to (like I need to when I'm sick), then why don't they try it? Maybe some people could handle it, but I know from experience that it is easier said than done. I have been out many times where I needed to go to the toilet because of my sickness, and I have tried to hold on, but it eventually becomes too much discomfort to handle and that is when I panic. Time and time again I am told that once I get into my job, I'll forget about my sickness.... how do they know this? They are relating my experience with theirs, which... no offense... is stupid considering not even the doctors know what is wrong with me. It may seem similar, but they can not judge what I'm going through. They make it sound so easy.
All I can do is to pray and trust Jesus... thankfully I haven't needed to rush to the toilet in the past two days... so either God is answering the prayers that people have been praying for me, or my sickness is holding back at the moment for some reason. For all I know, I'm allergic to something, which I ate earlier on in the week and haven't eaten in the past few days.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is, I wish people would carefully consider other peoples situations. Do they not realize that I am under pressure, without them adding to it?

That's just my opinion. 

Anxious.

^{Philippians 4:6-7
6} Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I was sitting in Church on Sunday morning, having a good think about this verse. It is my favourite verse, and right now it couldn't be more helpful to me.

I have written in previous posts about my sore throat and sickness, but I haven't updated you in a while. I went to the ENT  7 weeks ago to see what he could do about my throat. I had been to the doctors 3 or 4 times and they couldn't figure out my problem. I had a number of blood tests taken, and they were all clear. By the time I went to the ENT, my sore throat had hung around for 6 months. The ENT looked at my throat and asked me a lot of questions. All he could see was that I have little lumps on the back of my throat. He put it down to Silent Reflux, which is reflux that you can't feel. I was given Somac tablets to take for 6 weeks, and when the 6 weeks was up, I was to report back to him. I did so last Tuesday.  I told him that the tablets had not done a thing, and it left him confused. He called me a medical mystery. He explained that I don't have the normal symptoms for a chronic sore throat. He checked my throat once again and noticed the little bumps like last time. He mentioned that they can be a number of things, and one of his suggestions was that they are a reaction to allergies. That made me wonder if it could be allergies, because I have had a sick stomach and a throbbing head along with my sore throat. My sick stomach has worsened more recently, and my throbbing head has become more noticeable. I told him all of the details about that, and he got a bit concerned about my throbbing head, so he wrote a referral for me to get my brain and sinuses scanned. He said that it was unlikely that there is a tumor, but there is still a possibility. I got a bit worried, but I was pleased with that idea of the scan at first, because it may help me find out what is wrong... but then I made the mistake of watching RPA last Wednesday, and there happened to be a young guy, about my age with Cancer. The slight worry I was having, turned into a bit more of a panic. I told myself that I'll be fine, and God has it under control, but it didn't stop me worrying all week. I had my Scan just yesterday, and I received the images, and was told that my ENT and normal GP will receive the images within 24 hours. I haven't received a call from them at all, so I don't know what to think. Either they haven't had a chance to look at it, or they can't see anything wrong. I don't want there to be anything seriously wrong, but I was hoping that they would find something, so that they can give me some sort of diagnosis. 
I'm fed up with having a sore throat, a throbbing head, and a sick stomach. I get sick every time I'm out. I always need to go to the toilet, and it isn't fun at all, especially when I'm not home. I'm worried about my ability to work. I received news a week or two ago, that I was accepted into Birralee Childcare Centre as casual staff, and I have two training sessions coming up on the 18th of June. After that I can be called in to work. I'm really scared that I'll be too sick. It is bad enough missing out on social activities, let alone work. 

There is so much worry there, but I guess after reading Philippians 4:6-7 again, I feel as though there is hope. It is hard to not be anxious, but I need to stop right now.

The first part says  ^"6 Do not be anxious about ANYTHING" that is an order, not advice. I have been told that worry is a Sin. I know that there are people who disagree with that, but I do agree. Even if it isn't a Sin, it should be! We are to trust in God at all times. 


",but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
This part of the verse is another order... pray, and give thanks no matter what the situation! Talk to God, and ask Him for help. We should never try and fix things on our own. Trust and obey!

   "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
This part is a reassurance that God has full understanding. He will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

I need to do exactly this. I need to pray and trust in Him. It has been hard, and it may continue to be hard, but trust is what it is all about. It hurts not to be able to sing, it hurts that I am afraid of going out, it hurts that I don't know how to heal, It is absolutely helplessness, but surely God knows what He is doing! Amen!


                                                        Cry out to Jesus- Third Day

                                                    Who am I? Casting Crowns

My Story

Feel free to watch and comment if you wish :)

This video is only free for anyone who has the link. Consider yourself special.

God Bless
Love, E <3

Life

My life has certainly had its ups and downs, and I think it will continue to. Right now, I am glad to say that I'm having an 'up'. I guess there are things that I still feel need sorting out, I'm still confused about my emotions, but I'm happy. I have a wonderful fiance and more than I need. Words just don't do justice, when I try to describe how much I love Rob. He makes me so happy and I don't think I thank God enough for him. So many times I have felt so undeserving of anyone's love, but God put Rob and I together, which just shows me that our God is a loving and providing God. I am growing closer in my relationship with God, with Rob, and even with some of my friends. God has been fixing me. I guess I regret being angry at God. I know it is ok to be, but I feel guilty when I get angry, God may let pain into my life, but He also fixes it in His time. I don't know how long my happiness will last, but I'm happy now, and that seems to be all that matters at the moment.

Time to vent

So the last few weeks have been kind of busy and I want to vent.... have fun hearing it.

 So much has to do with GB. This term we have been practicing Figure marching for the competition (which was tonight) for 20 minutes/ half an hour every Tuesday. We have had to plan around all of it, and have only had one chance to practice the song that we will be singing on church parade, which is coming up in 2 more weekends.The Tuesday before last was really busy, so we had no chance to practice our song and last Tuesday we had a shortened night, dedicated to Figure marching only, which again left no time to practice our song. Next week is the only week left to practice our song, because the week after is Mothers night, and that weekend is of course the church parade. Apart from that, as I said we had the Figure marching comp tonight, two weekends ago we had a fun fair at a local primary school to attend, and the Wednesday before that was the ANZAC day march.

Heh, and that is just what has been going on in GB alone... there is so much more going on.

My Engagement Party is this Saturday. We have been planning the party for ages. The worst part has been making the invites, sending them out, and trying to get RSV P's from people. Apparently the trend these days is to not RSVP!!!! Tis frustrating. It has also been hard trying to figure out how much food and drinks we need for the amount of people coming, and what to buy. We went shopping just Yesterday... we bought a helium bottle for the balloons and some weights for the balloons, I had collected all of the other decoration stuff over the past weeks. We had to find Rob a shirt to go with Rob's new pants that he bought just last Thursday. And of course we had to buy all of the food and drinks, which worked out, but was still a challenge. Yeah, and I also had my own fiasco with the dress I bought for the party, it needed a bit of altering, so my wonderful Grandma and Mum had to fix it. Now I am pretty sure I am going to freeze, because April was the coldest April since like 1985 or something, and now it is May, it is heaps cold. Oh yeah and I forgot to mention this, while we were at the shops I suddenly started feeling sick like half an hour before I was supposed to get my hair cut. I ended up being patient and getting it done in the end, but it wasn't fun like I wanted it to be. I'm still sick, with just tomorrow in between now and Saturday, so I am panicking about that a little. Anywho, I think we are mostly prepared for the party... Although I have that feeling that we have forgotten something... then again it is getting to the point where details don't matter any more.
Poor Mum has been organising so much, she did the majority of the invites for the party, and has fixed my dress, and came shopping with Rob and I. I owe her big time. Today she was busy frantically cleaning the house, because her cousin, Lee, is staying over on Friday and both him and Grandma on Saturday. I haven't been able to help much, because I'm sick. She also cooked a slice tonight. Tomorrow Mum will be doing more cleaning, but mostly cooking... she has to cook two cakes for the party. I'm planning on cooking a cake for the people who have had birthdays. Cousin Lee's birthday is on the actual party day, and Matt's birthday is the next day... and there have been so many birthdays this week, which some of those people are coming to my party. So I think it will be a rather busy day tomorrow. As for Saturday, we will be setting up the church hall in the morning, trying to make it as nice as possible. Then we can have a break in between then and the party, but we will obviously have to be there early for the party to sort our food *sigh* Then we will have the party and the clean up afterwards.

OK so apart from the party, as I said it is Matt's Birthday on Sunday, which is also Mothers day. We will be having a very early breakfast on Sunday morning for Mothers day, with my Mum's side of the family, and we may or may not be going to church afterwards. After that, we will probably spend some time with Rob's Mum, and then we are having an afternoon tea at our house with my Dad's side of the family for Mothers day, Matt's birthday, and my cousin Andrew's birthday which was also this week.

On top of that, I have been having driving lessons, because I FINALLY decided to get my Learners licence. I have also been doing a lot of job searching and have had a few interviews.

I'll admit, I suppose I am sounding probably more over the top than I should. Yes I have been busy, and this weekend will be big, but I suppose I have had some time to relax. I have had a lot on my mind emotionally, and am trying to fix up some troubles in my life.Unfortunately in the time I have to relax, I can't fix everything, but I'm getting there.

After re-reading what I have just wrote, it sounds like a cluttered mess, and I'll be surprised if you have read this far... but I'll keep going.
Yep, the last few weeks have been busy, I'll say.... and I'm certainly looking forward to it not being so busy. I think the fact that our Figure marching competition is over now, it will give us a bit more time to do what we want at GB. So I'm trying to be positive, I will be thrilled when church parade is over and done with, because it means that we won't have anything to worry about with GB.... for now that is.
After the party, and this weekend, I think I will be able to focus on moving forward a bit more. Perhaps I will have more time to think, and not worry. I will have more time to job search and more time to do some driving.

Heh, you have no idea how good I feel after venting. I don't care to much if no one reads this, I just feel so relieved to write it down and get it off my back. I suppose, now that I have said what I have said, I feel inspired. I knew I was busy, but I think as I was writing this all down, I realized just how busy. It may sound strange, but I think this is wonderful! God has yet again shown me that he has pulled me through busyness. I have gotten so much accomplished, and although I am looking forward to a bit more free time, I'm interested to see what God will do in my life next :)


That is all for now,
Love, Elissa.

This is a song I wrote for Rob. I know it isn't perfect, but it was only meant for him, and he insisted I share it. I hope you somewhat enjoy it too.

For You

V1: Hold me closer dear, so we can be safe
and never let go, hold me so

V2: If I could stop time, then it would stand still
and we could be forever, not left to dream

CH1: Oh the way you look at me
it makes me feel so free
free to love you now and always
free to be

V3: And when we sleep, you'll be holding me
and you'll take care of me, so gently

CH2: Oh and the way you look at me
it makes me feel so free
free to love you now and always
free to be
Because you make me feel things
that I've never felt before
Please don't ever, ever let us part

V4: You'll be holding me, forever you'll see
and we will be ok, just you and me

End: We will be ok, nothing will take us away.

Clutterfull emotions

My emotions have been everywhere for a long time, but right now they are an even bigger clutter. I'm learning quite a lot about who I am emotionally, which I think is good and bad. I can't really explain it too well, but I'll try.

A lot of it is just confusion about who I am, and who I am pretending to be. But in a way I'm not pretending to be anyone, if you look outside the square and think deeply, you may see that I'm pretending to be me. Logically that makes no sense, but it makes complete sense to me.
 Last Sunday night Phil held an afterchurch... We hadn't had one in ages... and I considered going. Part of me wanted to go, but the part of me that has been holding back for a long time said no. I wanted to be alone with Rob like it always is on a Sunday night, just me and Rob and no one else. So We didn't go. We were having an ok night, but I ended up getting really upset. I felt insane. I'm not really going to get into that, it is a bit of a long story. Anyway so this week Sam and Alyssa decided to have an afterchurch at their house. Rob wasn't at the night service this week because he had to work. I was missing him a lot and I didn't feel like going home because I knew I would feel lonely. I figured James would be at afterchurch, and it would be fun to hang around Kat as well. I was feeling surprisingly sociable. I ended up going and I had a good night. We played Moose, and it was almost like old times. I was in a  crazy mood too, so that made it kind of fun I guess. But when I got home, I felt weird. I realised that I had let myself go crazy. I have been holding back for a long time, and it suddenly felt all wrong. I was feeling rather sad just a few days before, and now I was being my old self. I'm not that person any more, I'm not crazy and bubbly. I'm unsociable. Being crazy used to be the way I got attention, and after a while I got too self conscious after seeing the weird looks people gave me. Some people thought it was fun when I was crazy, but others didn't, and I didn't like not being accepted by them. I'm not sure if I want things to be like old times... I see my craziness as immaturity. I guess I am naturally bubbly in a way, but I don't want to be over the top. My comfort zone is being sad, and as stupid as it sounds, I don't mind it. I can't imagine being 100% happy. I'm comfortable enough right now to settle down. That is how I pretended to be me.... the old me that really wasn't me.
I don't think I could ever go back to that.

 I'm also struggling with seeing other people for who they really are. I don't know what to say and do around some people, because they could never understand me, and I don't think I want to understand them either. I can't seem to get to know someone without judging them first by the way they dress and their body language. It's something I'm not proud of.
I don't know how control my emotions.When should or shouldn't I feel something? Actions speak louder than words. I'm afraid of controlling my actions... not thinking before I do. That happens a lot, so you would think I am used to it, but I'm still afraid.
I suppose Music is something that I use to let out my feelings, but sometimes I can't exactly write down how I feel, because I feel it instead of think it. I tend to get into the feel of music when I watch an emotional movie, or watch a talent or singing show and of course I feel it when I'm feeling low. It makes me want to go downstairs to play the piano and sing my heart out. The problem there is, I generally end up feeling disappointed and angry. I have written a few songs, and I am proud of myself for being able to write them. I have come a long way with music since I was 13, but no matter what, I can't love my songs. I want to be as good as professional singer song writers, and even more so, I want the talent to come naturally. I do have talent, but it is almost not enough. My emotions are too much. I have too much heart and not enough head.

Apart from all of that, I have so many questions that I am too scared to ask because I'm afraid of the answer. I can't stand being told one thing by one person, believing it my whole life, and then finding out there is more too it!
It's all too much to handle.

I want so desperately for people to understand. Sometimes I wish I had a clone for that reason. I want someone to fully know what is going on in my head.
It would be wonderful to talk to Jesus face to face. He would know everything, and be able to give me answers.
I want to understand.

Never Let me Go

 :'(

Angry

I'm angry
I'm angry at myself for almost everything
I'm angry at those who bullied me through primary school
I'm angry at my friends who gave up on caring
I'm angry at my friends who don't understand that they have hurt me
I'm angry at my brother and my father for saying hurtfull words to me, and expecting me to respect them
I'm angry at the world for being the world
and guess what?
I'm angry at God
He hasn't broken any promises, but sometimes I feel so abandoned
I'm angry that God has let me feel this way
I'm angry that He doesn't always stop Satan from attacking me
God's answers to prayer are: Yes, No, Not yet
I sometimes feel like God's anwer to me is Never
I want all my pain to go away but it won't
The past haunts me
Why won't He get rid of it?
Why is it up to me to get over it?
I have tried
It doesn't stop haunting me
Sometimes I feel like screaming.
I can't forgive myself for hurting people
and I can't help holding grudges against those who have hurt me
I'm angry.

 Growing Pains- Deas Vail

What's a name
When in the darkness we all look the same?
Holding candles looking for the flame,
For the fire to chase the night away
As we wait for daylight to break.

What is life kept to ourselves?
Careful words composed?
It's a book upon the shelf,
Its story never told.

We are frames,
Chasing photos of our happier days.
Clinging to the ones they can't erase.
Going on to find that perfect place,
Where we can love each other.
We can find each other,
We can shape the world again.

What is life kept to ourselves?
Careful words composed?
It's a book upon the shelf,
Its story never told.

Pages turn and then unfold
To show us where we've been.
As the signs along the road
To lead us home again.

I feel like I am turned inside out.                                   <<< How I feel.
I've come so far I can't turn around,
But I don't know the next steps to take
'Cause all you left were me and the growing pains.

What is life kept to ourselves?
Careful words composed?
It's a book upon the shelf,
Its story never told.

Pages turn and then unfold
To show us where we've been.
As the signs along the road
To lead us home again.

Titanic 100 years on

Yesterday Rob and I watched Titanic in 3D. We only realised when we got to the cinema, that it was the 100 year anniversary.  I hadn't watched the movie since I was about 13, so it was a bit of a shock to watch it in 3D. I know a lot of people pay out the movie, but in my opinion it is beautiful. The love between Jack and Rose is genuine, but that isn't the reason why I like the movie so much. I like it because there was a lot of research put into the movie, and it shows the viewers some of what the passengers and crew on Titanic went through. Some of the things that they showed in the movie did happen. The story of Jack and Rose isn't real, but a similar story could have happened. Anything could have happened on this ship! Every person, weather they were crew or passengers, had a story. They each had a life, and to watch that all fall apart was most certainly sad. It was hard watching this movie in 3D, because it obviously brought you to the reality of what happened on the ship. Most of the people tried everything to fight for survival. They fought hard to get into the boats, and those who didn't, clung hard onto the rails so they could stay out of the freezing water as long as possible. Some people didn't try at all...the captain locked himself into his room and went down with his ship, the violinists played their music on deck until the ship sunk, so that they could calm the passengers. Other people jumped off the ship, or stayed in their bedrooms to drown.
It was amazing at the start seeing real footage of the sunken ship in 3D as well. This movie is far more real than people think it is.
It really angers me that there weren't enough lifeboats, so that the ship would look better and have more space on deck! They wouldn't have crashed if the person who invested in making the ship, wanted to go faster so that they would get to America early to make headlines. First class were let on to the lifeboats first, and a lot of third class were locked up downstairs to drown. It was all about class! They said "Not even God could sink this ship" well He did.

http://www.abc.net.au/news/specials/titanic/

My heart goes out to the relatives of those who died.
 

Are we really lonely or just confused?

I think what I'm about to write could sound a bit harsh. I apologise in advance! I really don't want you to misunderstand what I am about to say. It is a hard thing to explain, but I'm going to try.

I'm thinking about leaving my church. 2 months ago the thought wouldn't have entered my mind. I have been going to KBC since before I was born! I was Dedicated there, it remained our home Church when we were in PNG for almost 3 years. I attended Nursery, Sunday School and Youth Group. I was Baptised there! Since the year I turned 13 I have been singing on stage at church almost every fortnight. I have also been helping at Sunday School since then, and in the last two years I have been a Teacher. I have helped out at GB for two years, and now I am co-leading the Cadet group. I suppose I'm quite involved in KBC, and the thought of leaving sounds crazy. I've been there for so long, a lot of the people there have contributed a lot in my life.
But now...
I simply can't comprehend how I'm feeling. I feel lonely. Rob and I don't feel as though we have any friends that stand by us all the time. James is a nice guy and we are really close to him, me especially, but he has lots of other friends and is quite popular. Kat is my friend too and I love her very much, but she also has other closer friends, and is a little bit older than me, so it can sometimes be hard to relate to her. Ash was a really close friend of mine a long time ago, but when her and Tim got together a lot changed. I suppose there are other people like Jess, but she is friends with my cousin and my brother, and I kind of find it a bit awkward. Dan is cool, but he isn't someone I see often. I'm not saying that no one at church is friendly to me, I do get along with a lot of people in the church, but it is awfully hard for me to explain why I feel lonely. I feel that all Rob and I have is each other. He feels lonely too, in fact I think he feels more lonely. Most of his friends now were already my friends, not ones he made himself. This may sound really weird, like I'm paranoid, but I feel like Rob and I are being judged. I admittedly get quite angry when people don't accept us for who we are. I guess in a way I'm saying that I don't think that people fully care. Some people have claimed to care, but they don't act on it. Well they might pray for us every now and then, but when someone says that they care about me or Rob or both of us as a couple, then I want them to show it!.... See I'm already sounding harsh, but this is something that is on my mind and I honestly feel like exploding! I'm not directing this at anyone in particular, but I just want people to know where I am coming from.
Am I wrong to complain? Am I wrong to say that we feel abandoned and partly rejected. I know the Pastors pray for us, and I know that a lot of people do care, but I am the kind of person who needs proof. If you care, PLEASE show me? I can not stress how lonely we feel. It sounds so selfish I know, but this is coming from my heart.

Don't get me wrong, I do wonder if maybe we are doing something wrong, or maybe there is something missing. Maybe there is something we need to be doing more to gain deeper friendships. The thing is, neither Rob or I feel comfortable at Young Adults. A few people have been trying to get us going for ages, and we can't really explain to them why we refuse to go. Can't I simply just say "I don't want to go"?. See now it seems to be that the blame is on us. People have tried to involve us, but we say no. Yet in the deeper side of things, no one could ever understand that a group like Young Adults isn't for us. It is partly to do with our introverted nature. We want a smaller group. We would love to say "Hey James, Steph, Jane, Kat, Dan, come have a small group with us!" after all isn't a small group supposed to be small? But unfortunately, we have busy lives and could never find a time to get together. We also refuse to go to the older adult small groups, Rob may be able to relate to them because he is very theory based and can understand older people, but I can't, and we want to stick together.

So this all brings me to what I was saying at the beginning, I have very recently had thoughts about leaving KBC. On Easter we had a dawn service outside and a breakfast, and I decided to go. Rob turned up too. I was happy all through the service, but as soon as it was over and they started the set up for breakfast, I felt misery come upon me. Rob and I sat alone. I was really uncomfortable, we felt left out, and I don't know about Rob, but I felt like we looked stupid. There were plenty of seats around some of the tables, in fact at one table people were taking up more than one seat each. I was very tired, which probably made things worse than they were, but still. It made me angry that no one invited us to sit with them. I know we could have asked them if we could sit there, but we didn't want to impose. I don't know, perhaps they thought that we wanted to be alone, since we always sit alone? It was really nice of Kane, and then Kat to come over while I was sitting by myself while Rob was lining up for food. It cheered me up... but I guess there was still anger there at everyone else. Later when Rob and I were home, he knew exactly what I was thinking. He asked me if I was thinking about leaving KBC. I have been thinking about this for a little while, but the thought just sounded stupid to me. I didn't want to bother Rob with it in case the thoughts went away, but on Easter I sort of half confirmed that my thoughts are more real than I first imagined.
 Heh, it feels like an endless cycle of confusion! Is that just what it is? Am I just confused, and imaging this all up?
In truth, I don't want to leave my church, I love attending there, but if Rob and I don't fit in, is there something seriously wrong?

 Please feel free to have your say on this? Am I being irrational?

I don't know

 Well, in my opinion my new song is a bit over the top, but what is your opinion? Constructive criticism is welcome.

  I don't know

I don't understand where these feelings come from
and I don't know the reason why they're here.

So many things that I don't know
So many things that I need to be told
I don't know who I am
I don't know who I am

So why don't you tell me where I went so wrong
it doesn't make sense to me and I want these feelings gone

I've got so many questions I'll never know the answer too
Questions unanswered, that will have to do

So many things that I don't know
So many things that I need to be told
So many things that I don't know
So many things that I need to be told
I don't know who I am
I don't know who I am
I don't know who I am
I don't know who I am
I don't know
who I am
I don't know who I am.

Misery

I feel miserable. I would complain about why I feel miserable, but it seems that my blog isn't as private as I thought. Other than that, no one really wants to hear about my complaints.

Miserably,
      E

Deas Vail

Let me introduce you to Deas Vail... They are a band that Rob and I stumbled along when we were searching for bands that Matt Thiessen (Lead singer of Relient.K) has done work with.
The song we found is called "Birds" off their "Birds and Cages CD (Thiessen does the bridge) . I found the words very poetic and powerful, and the music just leads me to another place. I have listened to a few of their songs now, and I have grown quite obsessed. I will never be as obsessed with Deas Vail as I am with Relient.K, but they are still amazing. Plus it helps that they used Thiessen in one of their songs :)


Deas Vail means "God" in Latin and "Humble Servant" in Old French. I like it!

 "Birds"

 This is our true alarms.
This is reality.
We will do what we can.
We are just figurines
with a theology
that we don’t understand.

We can’t forget the beginning,
when He set our broken wings. ooh, ohh,

God, how much does it take.
for us to be loved?
For us to be saved?
We all are birds
stuck inside our cage,
covered up with grace.
And behind our sins
we hide our face.
Oh, the numbers call.
Yeah, they’re dialing in.
but, we can’t help but to compare ourselves again.

I can’t believe in this—
this blue-lipped, lifeless kiss.
We can’t see past our thrones.
We fight for life within,
but our walls are wearing thin.
Oh God, where have we gone?

When I’m just one fighting indifference,
does it matter what I say? ooh, ohh,

God, how much does it take
for us to be loved?
For us to be saved?
We all are birds
stuck inside our cage,
covered up with grace.
And behind our sins
we hide our face.
Oh, the numbers call.
Yeah, they’re dialing in.
But, we can’t help but to compare ourselves again.

It’s not that there were ever bad intentions—
it’s more that we forgot where to call home.
From important things that we don’t know to mention,
it’s the uniform that we put on—the formula we have for love.

Beautiful intentions
Formula for love
Ooooooooh

Beautiful intentions
Formula for love
Ooooooooh

It’s not that there were ever bad intentions—
it’s more that we forgot where to call home.
From important things that we don’t know to mention,
it’s the uniform that we put on—the formula we have for love

<<<<<Wes Blaylock is the Lead singer. I am pretty sure his voice is incredible! He's also clearly gorgeous! 

Check them out on Wiki.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deas_Vail