We all have different lives, and this blog is revealing some of mine :) enjoy!

God bless

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Are we really lonely or just confused?

I think what I'm about to write could sound a bit harsh. I apologise in advance! I really don't want you to misunderstand what I am about to say. It is a hard thing to explain, but I'm going to try.

I'm thinking about leaving my church. 2 months ago the thought wouldn't have entered my mind. I have been going to KBC since before I was born! I was Dedicated there, it remained our home Church when we were in PNG for almost 3 years. I attended Nursery, Sunday School and Youth Group. I was Baptised there! Since the year I turned 13 I have been singing on stage at church almost every fortnight. I have also been helping at Sunday School since then, and in the last two years I have been a Teacher. I have helped out at GB for two years, and now I am co-leading the Cadet group. I suppose I'm quite involved in KBC, and the thought of leaving sounds crazy. I've been there for so long, a lot of the people there have contributed a lot in my life.
But now...
I simply can't comprehend how I'm feeling. I feel lonely. Rob and I don't feel as though we have any friends that stand by us all the time. James is a nice guy and we are really close to him, me especially, but he has lots of other friends and is quite popular. Kat is my friend too and I love her very much, but she also has other closer friends, and is a little bit older than me, so it can sometimes be hard to relate to her. Ash was a really close friend of mine a long time ago, but when her and Tim got together a lot changed. I suppose there are other people like Jess, but she is friends with my cousin and my brother, and I kind of find it a bit awkward. Dan is cool, but he isn't someone I see often. I'm not saying that no one at church is friendly to me, I do get along with a lot of people in the church, but it is awfully hard for me to explain why I feel lonely. I feel that all Rob and I have is each other. He feels lonely too, in fact I think he feels more lonely. Most of his friends now were already my friends, not ones he made himself. This may sound really weird, like I'm paranoid, but I feel like Rob and I are being judged. I admittedly get quite angry when people don't accept us for who we are. I guess in a way I'm saying that I don't think that people fully care. Some people have claimed to care, but they don't act on it. Well they might pray for us every now and then, but when someone says that they care about me or Rob or both of us as a couple, then I want them to show it!.... See I'm already sounding harsh, but this is something that is on my mind and I honestly feel like exploding! I'm not directing this at anyone in particular, but I just want people to know where I am coming from.
Am I wrong to complain? Am I wrong to say that we feel abandoned and partly rejected. I know the Pastors pray for us, and I know that a lot of people do care, but I am the kind of person who needs proof. If you care, PLEASE show me? I can not stress how lonely we feel. It sounds so selfish I know, but this is coming from my heart.

Don't get me wrong, I do wonder if maybe we are doing something wrong, or maybe there is something missing. Maybe there is something we need to be doing more to gain deeper friendships. The thing is, neither Rob or I feel comfortable at Young Adults. A few people have been trying to get us going for ages, and we can't really explain to them why we refuse to go. Can't I simply just say "I don't want to go"?. See now it seems to be that the blame is on us. People have tried to involve us, but we say no. Yet in the deeper side of things, no one could ever understand that a group like Young Adults isn't for us. It is partly to do with our introverted nature. We want a smaller group. We would love to say "Hey James, Steph, Jane, Kat, Dan, come have a small group with us!" after all isn't a small group supposed to be small? But unfortunately, we have busy lives and could never find a time to get together. We also refuse to go to the older adult small groups, Rob may be able to relate to them because he is very theory based and can understand older people, but I can't, and we want to stick together.

So this all brings me to what I was saying at the beginning, I have very recently had thoughts about leaving KBC. On Easter we had a dawn service outside and a breakfast, and I decided to go. Rob turned up too. I was happy all through the service, but as soon as it was over and they started the set up for breakfast, I felt misery come upon me. Rob and I sat alone. I was really uncomfortable, we felt left out, and I don't know about Rob, but I felt like we looked stupid. There were plenty of seats around some of the tables, in fact at one table people were taking up more than one seat each. I was very tired, which probably made things worse than they were, but still. It made me angry that no one invited us to sit with them. I know we could have asked them if we could sit there, but we didn't want to impose. I don't know, perhaps they thought that we wanted to be alone, since we always sit alone? It was really nice of Kane, and then Kat to come over while I was sitting by myself while Rob was lining up for food. It cheered me up... but I guess there was still anger there at everyone else. Later when Rob and I were home, he knew exactly what I was thinking. He asked me if I was thinking about leaving KBC. I have been thinking about this for a little while, but the thought just sounded stupid to me. I didn't want to bother Rob with it in case the thoughts went away, but on Easter I sort of half confirmed that my thoughts are more real than I first imagined.
 Heh, it feels like an endless cycle of confusion! Is that just what it is? Am I just confused, and imaging this all up?
In truth, I don't want to leave my church, I love attending there, but if Rob and I don't fit in, is there something seriously wrong?

 Please feel free to have your say on this? Am I being irrational?


kat said...

i dont know if you will believe me or not but i do understand. you are not the only one who feels alone at kbc. i've thought about going somewhere else, in fact i may not even be there this sun night coz i agreed to go to bridgy to see what they are like. i get the part where you listed the people that you care about/care about you but you still feel alone. i realised that of myself the other morning when i was talking about branching out with a new group of friends because my old ones keep leaving. i was disregarding all the people i care about that have stayed and i shouldnt do that, but sometimes even surrounded by people i can feel alone. i think we have all had moments like that.

if you guys are not happy then maybe consider looking into other churches in the area. maybe every now and then go somewhere different until u find somewhere that makes u happy. and even when u find that place you dont have to make a perm move. you could go to kbc for one service and go somewhere else for the other like bec does. you dont have to cut ties with your home church just because you want to try somewhere else im slowly realising.

but i do suggest that if you try somewhere else meet them halfway. i dont want to be rude or mean but if people arent giving you what you need then you need to tell them otherwise they wont know. people have tried to include you guys in young ads and after repeated no's from you then they will eventually give up trying. its not personal, thats just human nature. does that make sense at all? and that does impact wider activities as you've experienced.

Liss said...

Hmm Yeah, I know other people feel the same way. I forgot to mention that in my post. There are a few people that I have noticed shy away a bit. Some people are really lonely.
I also forgot to mention that I probably would never be able to fully leave KBC. I'm just lost at the moment, it is too hard to explain.

The thing is Kat, I can't just say "Hey guys, give us attention, we feel left out!" I would never say that. For starters, I think it sounds like we are being selfish. It also sounds like we want to be the center of attention. Part of my point also is that we are shy, and a lot of people seem to feel uncomfortable around shy people. Actually in general a lot of people just seem to feel uncomfortable around us. It is just a vibe we feel. I think what annoys me the most is that there are people who know us quite well, that barely spend any time with us. I'm not really blaming them, I don't think that they realize that they are leaving us out, it just feels uncomfortable. It is only Kane and Matt that have tried to include us into young ads... to be honest, they aren't the people who we want to include us. Kane already tries too, and Matt is my brother so I don't care.

I think you understand this situation more than a lot of other people, but no one could fully understand. I don't mean to sound so selfish.