We all have different lives, and this blog is revealing some of mine :) enjoy!

God bless

Monday, April 30, 2012

Clutterfull emotions

My emotions have been everywhere for a long time, but right now they are an even bigger clutter. I'm learning quite a lot about who I am emotionally, which I think is good and bad. I can't really explain it too well, but I'll try.

A lot of it is just confusion about who I am, and who I am pretending to be. But in a way I'm not pretending to be anyone, if you look outside the square and think deeply, you may see that I'm pretending to be me. Logically that makes no sense, but it makes complete sense to me.
 Last Sunday night Phil held an afterchurch... We hadn't had one in ages... and I considered going. Part of me wanted to go, but the part of me that has been holding back for a long time said no. I wanted to be alone with Rob like it always is on a Sunday night, just me and Rob and no one else. So We didn't go. We were having an ok night, but I ended up getting really upset. I felt insane. I'm not really going to get into that, it is a bit of a long story. Anyway so this week Sam and Alyssa decided to have an afterchurch at their house. Rob wasn't at the night service this week because he had to work. I was missing him a lot and I didn't feel like going home because I knew I would feel lonely. I figured James would be at afterchurch, and it would be fun to hang around Kat as well. I was feeling surprisingly sociable. I ended up going and I had a good night. We played Moose, and it was almost like old times. I was in a  crazy mood too, so that made it kind of fun I guess. But when I got home, I felt weird. I realised that I had let myself go crazy. I have been holding back for a long time, and it suddenly felt all wrong. I was feeling rather sad just a few days before, and now I was being my old self. I'm not that person any more, I'm not crazy and bubbly. I'm unsociable. Being crazy used to be the way I got attention, and after a while I got too self conscious after seeing the weird looks people gave me. Some people thought it was fun when I was crazy, but others didn't, and I didn't like not being accepted by them. I'm not sure if I want things to be like old times... I see my craziness as immaturity. I guess I am naturally bubbly in a way, but I don't want to be over the top. My comfort zone is being sad, and as stupid as it sounds, I don't mind it. I can't imagine being 100% happy. I'm comfortable enough right now to settle down. That is how I pretended to be me.... the old me that really wasn't me.
I don't think I could ever go back to that.

 I'm also struggling with seeing other people for who they really are. I don't know what to say and do around some people, because they could never understand me, and I don't think I want to understand them either. I can't seem to get to know someone without judging them first by the way they dress and their body language. It's something I'm not proud of.
I don't know how control my emotions.When should or shouldn't I feel something? Actions speak louder than words. I'm afraid of controlling my actions... not thinking before I do. That happens a lot, so you would think I am used to it, but I'm still afraid.
I suppose Music is something that I use to let out my feelings, but sometimes I can't exactly write down how I feel, because I feel it instead of think it. I tend to get into the feel of music when I watch an emotional movie, or watch a talent or singing show and of course I feel it when I'm feeling low. It makes me want to go downstairs to play the piano and sing my heart out. The problem there is, I generally end up feeling disappointed and angry. I have written a few songs, and I am proud of myself for being able to write them. I have come a long way with music since I was 13, but no matter what, I can't love my songs. I want to be as good as professional singer song writers, and even more so, I want the talent to come naturally. I do have talent, but it is almost not enough. My emotions are too much. I have too much heart and not enough head.

Apart from all of that, I have so many questions that I am too scared to ask because I'm afraid of the answer. I can't stand being told one thing by one person, believing it my whole life, and then finding out there is more too it!
It's all too much to handle.

I want so desperately for people to understand. Sometimes I wish I had a clone for that reason. I want someone to fully know what is going on in my head.
It would be wonderful to talk to Jesus face to face. He would know everything, and be able to give me answers.
I want to understand.

1 comment:

kat said...

i dont really know what to say on most of this but wanted to say it was REALLY good having u there on sunday night! that was the best after church i've had in a long time. ur right, just like old times having u and phil there. i enjoyed myself a lot and hope u feel sociable again in the future. as a large group its hard to find our place, feel accepted by everyone but that shouldnt stop us from going and enjoying spending time in our smaller friendship groups.