Clutterfull emotions

My emotions have been everywhere for a long time, but right now they are an even bigger clutter. I'm learning quite a lot about who I am emotionally, which I think is good and bad. I can't really explain it too well, but I'll try.

A lot of it is just confusion about who I am, and who I am pretending to be. But in a way I'm not pretending to be anyone, if you look outside the square and think deeply, you may see that I'm pretending to be me. Logically that makes no sense, but it makes complete sense to me.
 Last Sunday night Phil held an afterchurch... We hadn't had one in ages... and I considered going. Part of me wanted to go, but the part of me that has been holding back for a long time said no. I wanted to be alone with Rob like it always is on a Sunday night, just me and Rob and no one else. So We didn't go. We were having an ok night, but I ended up getting really upset. I felt insane. I'm not really going to get into that, it is a bit of a long story. Anyway so this week Sam and Alyssa decided to have an afterchurch at their house. Rob wasn't at the night service this week because he had to work. I was missing him a lot and I didn't feel like going home because I knew I would feel lonely. I figured James would be at afterchurch, and it would be fun to hang around Kat as well. I was feeling surprisingly sociable. I ended up going and I had a good night. We played Moose, and it was almost like old times. I was in a  crazy mood too, so that made it kind of fun I guess. But when I got home, I felt weird. I realised that I had let myself go crazy. I have been holding back for a long time, and it suddenly felt all wrong. I was feeling rather sad just a few days before, and now I was being my old self. I'm not that person any more, I'm not crazy and bubbly. I'm unsociable. Being crazy used to be the way I got attention, and after a while I got too self conscious after seeing the weird looks people gave me. Some people thought it was fun when I was crazy, but others didn't, and I didn't like not being accepted by them. I'm not sure if I want things to be like old times... I see my craziness as immaturity. I guess I am naturally bubbly in a way, but I don't want to be over the top. My comfort zone is being sad, and as stupid as it sounds, I don't mind it. I can't imagine being 100% happy. I'm comfortable enough right now to settle down. That is how I pretended to be me.... the old me that really wasn't me.
I don't think I could ever go back to that.

 I'm also struggling with seeing other people for who they really are. I don't know what to say and do around some people, because they could never understand me, and I don't think I want to understand them either. I can't seem to get to know someone without judging them first by the way they dress and their body language. It's something I'm not proud of.
I don't know how control my emotions.When should or shouldn't I feel something? Actions speak louder than words. I'm afraid of controlling my actions... not thinking before I do. That happens a lot, so you would think I am used to it, but I'm still afraid.
I suppose Music is something that I use to let out my feelings, but sometimes I can't exactly write down how I feel, because I feel it instead of think it. I tend to get into the feel of music when I watch an emotional movie, or watch a talent or singing show and of course I feel it when I'm feeling low. It makes me want to go downstairs to play the piano and sing my heart out. The problem there is, I generally end up feeling disappointed and angry. I have written a few songs, and I am proud of myself for being able to write them. I have come a long way with music since I was 13, but no matter what, I can't love my songs. I want to be as good as professional singer song writers, and even more so, I want the talent to come naturally. I do have talent, but it is almost not enough. My emotions are too much. I have too much heart and not enough head.

Apart from all of that, I have so many questions that I am too scared to ask because I'm afraid of the answer. I can't stand being told one thing by one person, believing it my whole life, and then finding out there is more too it!
It's all too much to handle.

I want so desperately for people to understand. Sometimes I wish I had a clone for that reason. I want someone to fully know what is going on in my head.
It would be wonderful to talk to Jesus face to face. He would know everything, and be able to give me answers.
I want to understand.

Never Let me Go

 :'(

Angry

I'm angry
I'm angry at myself for almost everything
I'm angry at those who bullied me through primary school
I'm angry at my friends who gave up on caring
I'm angry at my friends who don't understand that they have hurt me
I'm angry at my brother and my father for saying hurtfull words to me, and expecting me to respect them
I'm angry at the world for being the world
and guess what?
I'm angry at God
He hasn't broken any promises, but sometimes I feel so abandoned
I'm angry that God has let me feel this way
I'm angry that He doesn't always stop Satan from attacking me
God's answers to prayer are: Yes, No, Not yet
I sometimes feel like God's anwer to me is Never
I want all my pain to go away but it won't
The past haunts me
Why won't He get rid of it?
Why is it up to me to get over it?
I have tried
It doesn't stop haunting me
Sometimes I feel like screaming.
I can't forgive myself for hurting people
and I can't help holding grudges against those who have hurt me
I'm angry.

 Growing Pains- Deas Vail

What's a name
When in the darkness we all look the same?
Holding candles looking for the flame,
For the fire to chase the night away
As we wait for daylight to break.

What is life kept to ourselves?
Careful words composed?
It's a book upon the shelf,
Its story never told.

We are frames,
Chasing photos of our happier days.
Clinging to the ones they can't erase.
Going on to find that perfect place,
Where we can love each other.
We can find each other,
We can shape the world again.

What is life kept to ourselves?
Careful words composed?
It's a book upon the shelf,
Its story never told.

Pages turn and then unfold
To show us where we've been.
As the signs along the road
To lead us home again.

I feel like I am turned inside out.                                   <<< How I feel.
I've come so far I can't turn around,
But I don't know the next steps to take
'Cause all you left were me and the growing pains.

What is life kept to ourselves?
Careful words composed?
It's a book upon the shelf,
Its story never told.

Pages turn and then unfold
To show us where we've been.
As the signs along the road
To lead us home again.

Titanic 100 years on

Yesterday Rob and I watched Titanic in 3D. We only realised when we got to the cinema, that it was the 100 year anniversary.  I hadn't watched the movie since I was about 13, so it was a bit of a shock to watch it in 3D. I know a lot of people pay out the movie, but in my opinion it is beautiful. The love between Jack and Rose is genuine, but that isn't the reason why I like the movie so much. I like it because there was a lot of research put into the movie, and it shows the viewers some of what the passengers and crew on Titanic went through. Some of the things that they showed in the movie did happen. The story of Jack and Rose isn't real, but a similar story could have happened. Anything could have happened on this ship! Every person, weather they were crew or passengers, had a story. They each had a life, and to watch that all fall apart was most certainly sad. It was hard watching this movie in 3D, because it obviously brought you to the reality of what happened on the ship. Most of the people tried everything to fight for survival. They fought hard to get into the boats, and those who didn't, clung hard onto the rails so they could stay out of the freezing water as long as possible. Some people didn't try at all...the captain locked himself into his room and went down with his ship, the violinists played their music on deck until the ship sunk, so that they could calm the passengers. Other people jumped off the ship, or stayed in their bedrooms to drown.
It was amazing at the start seeing real footage of the sunken ship in 3D as well. This movie is far more real than people think it is.
It really angers me that there weren't enough lifeboats, so that the ship would look better and have more space on deck! They wouldn't have crashed if the person who invested in making the ship, wanted to go faster so that they would get to America early to make headlines. First class were let on to the lifeboats first, and a lot of third class were locked up downstairs to drown. It was all about class! They said "Not even God could sink this ship" well He did.

http://www.abc.net.au/news/specials/titanic/

My heart goes out to the relatives of those who died.
 

Are we really lonely or just confused?

I think what I'm about to write could sound a bit harsh. I apologise in advance! I really don't want you to misunderstand what I am about to say. It is a hard thing to explain, but I'm going to try.

I'm thinking about leaving my church. 2 months ago the thought wouldn't have entered my mind. I have been going to KBC since before I was born! I was Dedicated there, it remained our home Church when we were in PNG for almost 3 years. I attended Nursery, Sunday School and Youth Group. I was Baptised there! Since the year I turned 13 I have been singing on stage at church almost every fortnight. I have also been helping at Sunday School since then, and in the last two years I have been a Teacher. I have helped out at GB for two years, and now I am co-leading the Cadet group. I suppose I'm quite involved in KBC, and the thought of leaving sounds crazy. I've been there for so long, a lot of the people there have contributed a lot in my life.
But now...
I simply can't comprehend how I'm feeling. I feel lonely. Rob and I don't feel as though we have any friends that stand by us all the time. James is a nice guy and we are really close to him, me especially, but he has lots of other friends and is quite popular. Kat is my friend too and I love her very much, but she also has other closer friends, and is a little bit older than me, so it can sometimes be hard to relate to her. Ash was a really close friend of mine a long time ago, but when her and Tim got together a lot changed. I suppose there are other people like Jess, but she is friends with my cousin and my brother, and I kind of find it a bit awkward. Dan is cool, but he isn't someone I see often. I'm not saying that no one at church is friendly to me, I do get along with a lot of people in the church, but it is awfully hard for me to explain why I feel lonely. I feel that all Rob and I have is each other. He feels lonely too, in fact I think he feels more lonely. Most of his friends now were already my friends, not ones he made himself. This may sound really weird, like I'm paranoid, but I feel like Rob and I are being judged. I admittedly get quite angry when people don't accept us for who we are. I guess in a way I'm saying that I don't think that people fully care. Some people have claimed to care, but they don't act on it. Well they might pray for us every now and then, but when someone says that they care about me or Rob or both of us as a couple, then I want them to show it!.... See I'm already sounding harsh, but this is something that is on my mind and I honestly feel like exploding! I'm not directing this at anyone in particular, but I just want people to know where I am coming from.
Am I wrong to complain? Am I wrong to say that we feel abandoned and partly rejected. I know the Pastors pray for us, and I know that a lot of people do care, but I am the kind of person who needs proof. If you care, PLEASE show me? I can not stress how lonely we feel. It sounds so selfish I know, but this is coming from my heart.

Don't get me wrong, I do wonder if maybe we are doing something wrong, or maybe there is something missing. Maybe there is something we need to be doing more to gain deeper friendships. The thing is, neither Rob or I feel comfortable at Young Adults. A few people have been trying to get us going for ages, and we can't really explain to them why we refuse to go. Can't I simply just say "I don't want to go"?. See now it seems to be that the blame is on us. People have tried to involve us, but we say no. Yet in the deeper side of things, no one could ever understand that a group like Young Adults isn't for us. It is partly to do with our introverted nature. We want a smaller group. We would love to say "Hey James, Steph, Jane, Kat, Dan, come have a small group with us!" after all isn't a small group supposed to be small? But unfortunately, we have busy lives and could never find a time to get together. We also refuse to go to the older adult small groups, Rob may be able to relate to them because he is very theory based and can understand older people, but I can't, and we want to stick together.

So this all brings me to what I was saying at the beginning, I have very recently had thoughts about leaving KBC. On Easter we had a dawn service outside and a breakfast, and I decided to go. Rob turned up too. I was happy all through the service, but as soon as it was over and they started the set up for breakfast, I felt misery come upon me. Rob and I sat alone. I was really uncomfortable, we felt left out, and I don't know about Rob, but I felt like we looked stupid. There were plenty of seats around some of the tables, in fact at one table people were taking up more than one seat each. I was very tired, which probably made things worse than they were, but still. It made me angry that no one invited us to sit with them. I know we could have asked them if we could sit there, but we didn't want to impose. I don't know, perhaps they thought that we wanted to be alone, since we always sit alone? It was really nice of Kane, and then Kat to come over while I was sitting by myself while Rob was lining up for food. It cheered me up... but I guess there was still anger there at everyone else. Later when Rob and I were home, he knew exactly what I was thinking. He asked me if I was thinking about leaving KBC. I have been thinking about this for a little while, but the thought just sounded stupid to me. I didn't want to bother Rob with it in case the thoughts went away, but on Easter I sort of half confirmed that my thoughts are more real than I first imagined.
 Heh, it feels like an endless cycle of confusion! Is that just what it is? Am I just confused, and imaging this all up?
In truth, I don't want to leave my church, I love attending there, but if Rob and I don't fit in, is there something seriously wrong?

 Please feel free to have your say on this? Am I being irrational?

I don't know

 Well, in my opinion my new song is a bit over the top, but what is your opinion? Constructive criticism is welcome.

  I don't know

I don't understand where these feelings come from
and I don't know the reason why they're here.

So many things that I don't know
So many things that I need to be told
I don't know who I am
I don't know who I am

So why don't you tell me where I went so wrong
it doesn't make sense to me and I want these feelings gone

I've got so many questions I'll never know the answer too
Questions unanswered, that will have to do

So many things that I don't know
So many things that I need to be told
So many things that I don't know
So many things that I need to be told
I don't know who I am
I don't know who I am
I don't know who I am
I don't know who I am
I don't know
who I am
I don't know who I am.

Misery

I feel miserable. I would complain about why I feel miserable, but it seems that my blog isn't as private as I thought. Other than that, no one really wants to hear about my complaints.

Miserably,
      E