If you could change anything (one thing) about yourself, what would it be?

Anything at all?
There is so much that I would love to change. I would love to change how fat my legs are, I would like my hair to be a bit thicker, I would like to have a blemish free body, I would want to have a nicer nose. I would like to take away my sickness. As for my personality, I wish I wasn't so dramatic about things, I wish I didn't need attention and approval to live, I wish that I could be motivated to work, I wish that I was smarter and more mature, I wish that I could make God the centre of my life.
However I can only choose one thing to change.... so I would probably change sin. If I didn't sin, I wouldn't be so dramatic, I would be more motivated, I would be smarter and more mature, and I would make God the centre of my life.

The thing is, in choosing Jesus, I have chosen not to sin... but I still do it. It isn't possible NOT to sin, but sometimes I know that I'm not trying hard enough.  He has given me EVERYTHING.... I can't give back to Him anything.

10,000 Reasons

10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord)

This is a song that Phil introduced at night church last Sunday. The words really got to me, I hope you enjoy and have a real listen to what the words say.

God bless!

Why hide?

Why can't I be who I am? Why do I have to hide? I have to hide because of what you MIGHT think.

 We are talking one day and you ask me who I want to be in life. I answer, telling you that I want to be an actor in a musical.  I read your body language and know instantly that you think it is stupid, and I'll feel embarrassed.... So then someone else asks me who I want to be, I just say that I want to be a full time childcare worker... that person knows that it makes sense, since I studied childcare, and it is doable.

I do something slightly wrong, and someone yells at me or over punishes me... I am then scared of doing things wrong, so next time I ask lots of questions so that I don’t get it wrong. Heh, but the problem there is that I'm self conscious when I ask questions, because I'm afraid that they will think that my question is stupid. It is an endless cycle of wanting approval!

 You see, this situation is more real than you think.
Many people have over powered me in my life... they have told me that my opinions are stupid. Although I can't understand why they would think that... I go on, and either try to be someone else, or I simply start believing that my opinions are stupid. For a long time, I have felt like most of my opinions and ideas are stupid. People rule me.

(Note, as you are reading this, I am worried about what you will think of my writing style, and what I am saying)

I'm self conscious and approval seeking, because I have been told that I am wrong. Then someone good comes along and tells me that they agree with my opinion, or that they really like something about me, and I think it is a lie.
Luckily I know I'm not the only person who is like me. If I didn’t know that, I would think that I am mental.
You might say that all people live to impress... that is mostly true... but our situations are different. Me, and many others simply find it too hard to accept ourselves, because of the past and sometimes the present. It is much worse than a simple case of trying to impress everyone else.

There are lots of people who I could blame, and who I have blamed in the past, for causing my low self esteem... but the truth is that most people don't know that they have said something that really hurt me. It is quite possible and probable that I have hurt people with my words as well. Sometimes it is more than one person that contributes to low self esteem. Sometimes who we are, makes us more prone to low self esteem.
Unfortunately it is hard to forget those situations of hurt, and with me it has altered the way I live... but I believe that it is mostly reversible. A lot of people love me, and the more positivity I get from people, the more confident I feel. I have started to believe people when they say "Hey you are a pretty good singer!" It takes me a while to believe people, but I do. I stop telling people that give me nice comments, that they are just saying these things because they love me and not because it is true.
I still have a long way to go though. I'm still scared of what people think, and sometimes nice comments simply don't work. You wouldn't want to give a person like me too many nice comments either, because I might start believing in myself too much. I know I need to find more balance in my life.

Hmm, I hope I didn't confuse you... I hope that I helped you understand. ;)

Being in love

 When Rob and I started going out, we felt connected, but I think it took a while for us to fall in love. I think he loved me first... I was a bit more cautious, because I wanted to make sure that my feelings were true. I look back on those days where we thought things were serious, and it brings a smile to my face. We loved each other yes, but it was so immature compared to the way things are now. We have been through a lot together these 3 and a half years, and lately (especially since out engagement) we seem to get closer and closer each day that we see each other. We were pretty sick and tired of being Boyfriend and Girlfriend, our relationship felt more mature than that and I don't think Rob could have picked a better time to propose :) I really enjoy being with him. Sometimes we both get a bit frustrated with each other, but no one is perfect. We are learning so much about each other, and from each other.
God has given us this gift of love. He has brought us together. I'm excited to learn more about Rob, and learn more from him, as well as journey through our faith together. I know married life isn't always attractive, but I can't help but be impatient!

I'm not sorry for being soppy, I speak the truth! :)
Love you Rob!

Lost?

Where would I be without Jesus?  I have gone through a lot of struggles in my life... last year was especially painful.... and I often wonder what would have happened if Jesus wasn't there. If I struggle now, how much more would I struggle if I didn't know Him? I don't think I can begin to imagine. Some would say that my life would be much the way it is now... I don't agree. I would be lost. I have thought that I was lost a number of times... I used to get (and sometimes still do get) rather confused about life. Sometimes I have thought that I am going insane.... but I don't think that anything can compare to being without Jesus... it is by far the most lost that one could get! Without Jesus, we are VERY lost. Jesus is the light, without Him there is darkness... pitch black darkness... therefore those who don't have the light are lost. I feel sorry for these people. Some of them think they have wonderful lives, but when it reaches the end, they won't have life at all.
Am I lost? No. Maybe I'm confused, maybe I have troubles that I can't handle... but they are temporary because I have Jesus, He is my guiding pathway.

Why so sick?

So I think I have complained about my sore throat a few too many times on here, but oh my goodness, boy am I fed up! I have had a sore throat for 24 weeks now, very soon it will be 6 months. The frustraiting thing is that it isn't just a sore throat,  my immune sytem is at the lowest it has ever been. Along with my sore throat, I'm also getting stomach bugs... I'm not usually one to get sick at all, so this is quite weird. I get lots of sinus infections as well, and I have also noticed an increase in my alergies in the past 24 weeks, I get hey feaver frequently.  It is like my body just can't be bothered fighting any more. Last night I had a scary thought, and you're going to think I'm crazy for thinking this, but I had a thought that I might be dying. I'm still not sure if I can comprehend that thought.... the more I think about it, it sounds silly, but I also feel like the reality is that if I stay sick for too much longer, I will find myself feeling rather weak, and eventually another 6 months will pass by and I will be even weaker. I'm finding myself out of energy now too, because of my cold. My heart rate seems to never be at the right pace, it is always too fast. I'm feeling particularly weak today.
I have been to the doctors 3 times... 2 with one doctor, and one with another. The tests that the first doctor did came back clear, and both sets of antibiotics didn't do a thing. I want to go to the doctor again, but I don't know if I should bother... Mum doesn't think so. I'm a bit unsure what to do about this one, it has gone on far too long, and at this rate, I think it will keep going on longer.

An anxiety to work.

A few weeks ago, I was on my way to work, and my tummy started feeling off. I got to work and I just didn't feel like I could go in. I was really scared that I was going to be sick or something. So on the way back home I tried ringing the centre, and I had no reception, then I called them vire Mum's phone and it didn't work until the second time. The boss was kinda angry that I didn't give her better notice. It upset me quite a bit. That night I got quite unwell and spewed up at 3:00 in the morning. I was weak for the rest of the day, and really tired. I was due to work the day after, but since I was sick, I couldn't work for 48 hours.
Since then, work hadn't rung me up. There has also been other times, where I had agreed to go to work, and then I woke up sick with a cold or uncomfortable feelings. Because of all the circumstances, I assumed that the boss was fed up with me, and didn't want to bother with me anymore. Unfortunately she rang me yesterday, wanting me to work today, and I felt the need to say yes... but after I said yes and hung up, I couldn't help but feel regret. It sounds really selfish, but I really didn't want to work, I wanted to stay home all day. I don't mind this Childcare Centre, but I can't help but feel that some of the people in it don't like me very much. They use me for my qualification and nothing else.
I went out to the movies with Rob yesterday afternoon, and spent a bit of the night with him, and I really didn't want to leave him so early... I was also really worried about work all night. I woke up much earlier than I wanted this morning, and work was all that was on my mind. I knew that because I am a relief worker, I could ring up and tell them I can't come in, but I also felt bad about not going as well. I was afraid that I would be sick again, I was afraid of coming back after not going for so long, I was tired, and I was miserable. I fell back to sleep, knowing that my alarm hadn't gone off, and I ended up having a dream about it. I woke up and fell back to sleep a few more times, still having weird dreams about work. I woke up when my alarm rang and felt miserable. I didn't know what to do. Mum tried so hard to get me to go to work, because I had made a commitment, and breaking that commitment would be wrong, but I couldn't bring myself to going to work. It got too late after everything, so I rang them up and told them that I couldn't come in. I let work down, I let Mum down,  I let Rob down and I let myself down. I'm quite dissapointed in myself.
Mum thinks I need to talk to Ruth again. I have suddenly got this anxiety to work, and it isn't healthy. She thinks that I get so sick because of emotional reasons. I don't know what it is, but it sucks. I feel really bad about this.