At the beginning of this year, I set a few New years resolutions. They were typical resolutions like deciding to get fit and eat healthier... I also hoped that I would grow closer to God... and sort out the issues that I was dealing with at the time. The thought of a new year, meant new beginnings.... but very quickly, the year started to look messy. Queensland was dealing with the worst floods since 1974, which was saddening and quite shocking. A few weeks into January, I started facing a lot of emotional difficulties. For some reason, my current difficulties seemed so much more painful than they ever were before. On top of my difficulties, I was getting ready to attempt to complete the last semester of my Diploma. I say attempt, because I didn't feel like I was going to pass. There were many times where I was under a great deal of stress and I didn't think that I could get all of my assignments done on time. The first 7 months of the year were emotionally painful. In result of my emotional struggles, I self harmed, and at times I wished to die. I was a mess, I felt like I was mental. The issue I was facing, was seeking approval. Seeking approval had been an issue for most of my life... but this year, approval was something that I was seeking much more. For quite a while, I saw a councillor every week or two. She helped me discover why I was having problems, and it all began to make more sense... although there were some things that she couldn't even make sense of. Part of the reason why I was struggling with TAFE so much, was because of my approval issue. I was seeking approval from a lot of people, and surprisingly I was also seeking approval from myself. I had a low self esteem, which caused me to believe that I wouldn't pass TAFE. Having over 40 assignments to do in the course of 6 months seemed impossible. In the last month of the semester, Prac came around, and life got even more stressing. The assignments were harder, and part of my requirement was to be the group leader during the last week... I had to become confident really quickly. Heh, well, to cut a long story short, I passed. I was expecting to get a re-submit for my biggest assignment, but I didn't.... in fact, the teacher loved my work, and pointed out how far I have come in the past year and a half. Passing my Diploma felt great, and I certainly felt blessed. God showed me that I had more potential than I first thought. I think that things sort of started feeling slightly better from then on.... but everything was changing. I had finished TAFE, and my next step was work. While most of my friends are still in UNI, there I was, off to work. It felt too soon. I promised myself a months break to relax, but soon enough I graduated, and then the pressure was back on. Emotionally, I started to go further downhill... All year I had in my mind that I would have to find work soon... and now that it was time, it seemed daunting. I started applying for jobs, but I honestly didn't want to. I had no faith in myself, and I wasn't trusting God enough, to help me through it. Well, God changed everything in August. During the week, leading up to "She is... Free" ladies camp, something quite dramatic happened ( I won't go into it) and I thought that I would never recover. During that week, I was also having 2 paid days of a job trial, so I was quite stressed. Thankfully, soon enough, ladies camp arrived, and it was something to look forward to for once. Since I had been the year before, I knew what to expect,,, but I didn't really know what God had planned for me. He changed me at that camp. I still struggled with some things for a little while, but a huge weight was taken off me. For the first time this year, I felt free. After camp, things really started to look up... I had a whole new look on life. I was positive, and ready to live for God. Because of the two paid trial days that I had earlier, I had enough money to be a leader at SMASH camp... it was another blessing. SMASH helped my confidence, and I grew in a few ways. Yes, again, I still had some daily issues to deal with, but life felt so good (and still does). I never got that job, but I think it was for the best... God used those trial days to help me learn a few things... then a week after SMASH camp, another centre rang me up and asked if I could be a relief group leader for a whole week. I took the offer up, and since then, I have become their Relief group leader... I have had so many jobs, and having the money is amazingly helpful. Also I must add, that I am now engaged to Rob, and it has made me so happy!
So now that I look back on the year... yeah, most of it was emotionally painful.... but when life seemed impossible to live, my heavenly Father showed me that life didn't have to be painful. He has blessed me many times this year, and now I feel as though I should be very grateful for what I have learnt... I should be grateful for this year.... after all, things could have been worse.
I never got fit this year, and I didn't eat healthier either... in fact, I got addicted to cream cheese and put on weight! I did grow closer to God though, which is so much more important than anything... it is a resolution that should be achieved every year, no matter how low things can get.
I do hope that things go upward next year, but I know now more than ever, that I can face any problem with God by my side.
God bless you this Christmas, and may you continue to feel His blessing throughout this coming year!