I am in love with a fantastic guy called Rob. We have been together for 2 years and 9 months (in two days). He is an amazing support, he loves me. When things started getting hard for me emotionally, he stuck by me. I asked him if he wants to leave me... I was afraid that if he stayed I would hurt him and ruin his life, and I was very convinced that he could find someone better than me. I felt very un-deserving (still do actually).... but he insisted that we stay together (I of course want him to stay with me because I love him; I guess I just worry about hurting him). He cried, which is something I barely ever see him do, and he begged me. This is when I fully realized how much he loves me. For some reason he thinks that he would be more hurt if I left him, than if I put him through the pain of being with me. I have hurt him a number of times, and I don't deserve him but he has stuck by me completely. If anything, we have become closer in my pain. I still very much so have issues, but he won't leave me. Of course there are things about him that frustrate me, but all in all I couldn't imagine my life without him. We hope to get engaged and married as soon as we have enough money to live.
Here is my problem though. I have an attention seeking problem... I like to call it a disorder, or a mental illness. It is my main problem in life. I have had it for a long time, and there are many things causing it... like the fact that I was bullied and verbally abused as a child, I have developed a low self esteem and now I need attention. The thing is I do get attention, Rob gives me plenty of it, and I have had so much support this past year with all of my problems. So if I get attention, then why do I seek it? That is what really bothers me. What bothers me more is I need attention from someone I know (I won't mention his name). My counselor tells me that because I was given bad attention by boys as a child, now I need good male attention. This person is attractive, has a great personality, and he happened to give me attention at the start of all of my problems, so now I don't just want attention from him, I need it. If I don't get it I freak out, I hurt. Because I have such a low self esteem, I can't get attention through good things, such as singing (which I am passionate about). Ashleigh, for example, is a much much much better singer; she gets all of the solo's... so I don't get attention in that area. So since I can't get attention through good things, I try very hard to get attention in ways that are ridiculous e.g. cutting myself. This person is the main person I want attention from... I have been given reasons why, but I still feel like there is more behind it. I am quite weird.
Anyway, I want to know what you think. I have never shared anything as deep as this on my blog yet... for those of you who know me but didn't have a clue about my problems please don't freak out! hehe.
God bless, love me.xx