We all have different lives, and this blog is revealing some of mine :) enjoy!

God bless

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

On my way from misery to happiness today?

On my way from misery to happiness today? If only... Y'know I have been through enormous stress because of tafe. Too many assignments, the expectation from everyone that I will pass... As for MY expectation... well... I didn't think I was going to finish all of my assignments, which would equal fail. I stressed for a long time about how on earth I could get all of my assignments done. Failing is a scary thought. The thing is, now I only have one assignment left to hand in... I have done some re-submits, and will be waiting for a few more... but apart from that, It looks like I am going to pass. So why am I still stressed? I know tafe isn't completely over yet... maybe I will feel better once it is official, but I don't know. Right now I feel rather low and I don't know why. I feel like I should feel like there is a huge weight off my shoulder, but I am certainly not feeling like that right now. I think I am a bit worried about getting a job. I definitely plan to have a month break first, but getting a job is on my mind for sure. I have never had a job, not even part time. I am completely scared. It is easy for other people to say "You'll be fine"... but it isn't easy for me to take those words in. I hate it when people say those words... they are trying to be reassuring, but It doesn't work... no offence. I don't believe in myself... how could I believe in anything positive that anyone else says to me? Sure I might believe them if they say "hmm, I don't know if you will be a good childcare worker or not" because that is exactly what I am thinking... will I be a good childcare worker? Can I handle the stress? Can I even handle the whole process of going for a job? I am thinking the answer is No, No, No! I simply can't believe that everything is going to be fine, when I don't know it will be... and neither do you! I guess God wouldn't put me through all the stress of assignments and tafe for nothing... there is no doubt that I am meant to work with children... but I am so scared of it at the same time! I am so scared of getting my expectations up... I don't handle disappointment well. HMMmmm.... The thing is, if I were trying to give advice to me, I would probably say something along the lines of "Do what you think God wants, and go with the flow... what He wants is best even if it doesn't always seem that way, He knows what He is doing!"... That kind of makes me a hypocrite... I am good at giving advice, even giving advice to myself... but I barely ever follow it. It is like I know what I should and shouldn't be doing in most situations... but I can't seem to believe in myself.

I have been thinking a lot about childhood lately.... lol well it is kind of my job.... but anyway, I did a VP assignment about behaviour. I chose to do it on this girl (can't say her name) who seems to disrupt the class, and disrupt the other children's games. She is always role playing, and has an amazing imagination....It is hard to explain... but anyway I came to the conclusion (And the kindy teacher backed me up) that this girl is attention seeking. She mostly needs attention from other children...but adults too. So anyways I had to explore possible reasons for the behaviour, and there were many... I had to use my own knowledge and Google, to explore these reasons and find strategies that are likely to work with this child. So I ended up coming across an article. It basically told me that a child who needs attention will get it, but no matter what, it will NEVER be enough. The child will want more. So anyway the strategy was to give the child 10 minutes of attention a day and call it "special time"... 2 minutes before special time you are to tell the child that it is 2 minutes until special time... 2 minutes before special time is over you are to tell the child that in 2 minutes special time will be over... The child can do what they want in special time, just as long as you are there........ It got me thinking about myself... I too, need attention, and I keep asking for more,,, but it is never enough. Poor Kane has to deal with me trying to get as much attention from him as possible. It is true... I never have enough. He gives me attention, and I want more. If he doesn't give me enough, I freak out. He can't win. Neither can I. He can't exactly give me 10 minutes of attention a day either. Lol he has a life! Besides.. I'm pretty sure that strategy is meant for children. I know I am a child at heart and all but anyways.... so I can relate to children well. There is a child at the kindy I was at, who is a huge drama queen... she gets so upset so easily, and makes everything more dramatic than it is. It made me wonder if she isn't getting enough attention at home .... Perhaps the most interesting childhood problem I sore was from a girl that I spent a long time with. The block corner at this kindy was barely used, until I sat with this girl and encouraged her. She ended up spending about half an hour, building a tower. I then followed it up the next week by showing her some photo's of towers, including the biggest tower in the world... she and I spent a whole hour in the block corner. I simply watched her as she built a masterpiece. It was brilliant. It is rather unusual, but spectacular for a 4 year old to stick to one thing for that long. A child of this age doesn't have a big attention span at all. Just goes to show what they can do when they like something enough. The kindy teacher and I dug deeper though, and we sort of wondered if she stayed so long in the block corner because she liked the one on one interaction with me, along with the encouragement. I mean, sure she likes blocks... but did she like me being there to interact with her? While this girl was building this tower, I was encouraging her... she seemed so motivated. The interesting thing was, after improving her tower only a little bit... she would ask the kindy teachers to have a look... she would gain praise from them, do a little bit more, and go back to the teachers again. It was so amazing. It seems to us that this girl needs approval. It was great what she did in the block corner... but she needed lots of approval to be her motivation. It was a happy yet kind of sad occasion.
Sometimes being at kindy made me sad. After all the counselling I have had, I have figured out that it was my past, and sometimes present home life (and a bunch of other things) that have led me to need attention so much. It makes me wonder what some of these children are going through at home. It doesn't have to be abuse... I wasn't exactly abused... but I was bullied by Matt a lot, and I never felt like I had my own opinion.... all because of that, I have self esteem problems, and I can't survive without getting attention.
I do really hope that as a childcare worker, I can give children that don't get enough attention, the attention they need, so that they don't turn out like me!.... Which leads me back to what I was talking about at the start of this post... I don't believe in myself. I don't want to wish it on anyone. I am constantly stuck with the thought that I am not good enough. No decent advice works on me! I am just not good enough.

I hope I didn't confuse you too much... I know what I mean... I'll try to sum it up for you anyway... so basically I am low because I am scared of getting a job, because I don't believe in myself and follow my own advice, because of my childhood... and that's why I ranted on about other children's attention/approval seeking behaviour... I don't want children to turn out like me... I want children to believe in themselves. I hope that didn't confuse you more. Hmmm...Anyways so I am going to sit at the computer for a while and do whatever. Try not to get too low I guess. I am staying on till midnight so that I can wish James a happy birthday on facebook :) Yay for James. Oooo... and 23 days till my birthday, and the first day of winter... and my last assignment is being handed in tomorrow! Yaaay... Ok so after that rant... and just realising what is ahead tomorrow... I am a bit happier. Yay for ranting on Blogger.

Love me
God bless

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