We all have different lives, and this blog is revealing some of mine :) enjoy!

God bless

Thursday, May 19, 2011

I'm trying

Sometimes it feels like everything that I do is stupid or wrong. I feel like I am not good enough for a lot of things. I try, sometimes I could try harder, but most times I try very hard to set things right.

I want so badly to pass TAFE. This course has provided me with so much knowledge for children, they are so precious, and I truly believe I am meant to be working with them somehow. The thing is that the course has also overwhelmed me with assignments, and given me heaps and heaps of stress to the point that I  get real low and wonder how I am going to pass. Seriously, I have come this far, I am a few weeks off from finishing.... but if I fail any assignment, then I fail a whole subject. My only choice is to pass all assignments or I will fail the whole subject and be forced to re-do the subject which means re-doing all of the assignments again. I can not afford to fail... I need to live. For 14 years now, I have been in education... although it is the only thing I know (I have never had a job), I need to get out, I need to pass to prove myself. My self esteem is low and there is no doubt about it... I need to pass. I keep telling myself that I will pass... why would God want me to fail, if this is the job that I am so sure he wants me doing? I wonder sometimes if God will let me fail so that I don't pass and he can use that somehow to improve me... but I am so scared. I don't know how to feel, that is my problem. I am incredibly confused. What if I do pass? I will celebrate, I will be so much happier that I will never have to do another assignment ever again... but.... then I have the worry that I have to finally get a job. I am scared of that too, very scared... it will be such a big change. I don't see myself being brave enough. Besides that I don't exactly want to be a group leader in a childcare centre... you see I want to work with children, but being in childcare is incredibly stressful and hard. Besides that, childcare workers are underpaid. Here I am again thinking that I have no choice but to try.... in fact I should be trying to put all of my trust in God that he will get me through, after all, he knows best. Yet I'm not doing a good job at that. I keep trying to do this myself.... how on earth can I just hand it all over to Him?

Another thing that I try without fully relying on God is fixing my emotional problems. My emotions are everywhere and often hard to deal with. I have asked God to help me out quite a few times, but do I actually believe that I will get over this emotional trouble? No I don't. I believe that God can get rid of all of my problems eventually, but will He? Again I don't know why he would want to let me continue to hurt, but what if He wants me to learn more? I have had emotional troubles for most of my life, my troubles are not fixed and it has given me so much pain. I continue to burden people... constantly asking for attention and help. It must be so frustrating for them. It angers me that I have frustrated them, yet I can't seem to help continuing asking for attention. I need God's help... actually I need to hand it all over to Him, but for some reason I feel like there is a barrier. *sigh* How am I meant to feel? Who am I meant to be?

I think I could do with a bit of prayer.

God bless
Love me xx

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