We all have different lives, and this blog is revealing some of mine :) enjoy!

God bless

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Insensitive Brothers!

Why are my brothers so insensitive? I know that they can't fully understand me because I have different emotions and my brain works differently to theirs.... but can't they just learn to cut me some slack? I sometimes wonder if they have any compassion on me what so ever.
Matt used to tell me that he is meant to bully me because he is my brother, it is his goal in life!!! Pffft... most of my friends brothers were nice to their sisters and they even almost had a friendship with them (and this is not what I observed, this is what my friends told me). My Counselor was shocked when I told her what Matt used to say to me. She made sure that I knew that brothers are not meant to bully, they are supposed to protect their sisters. I do know a few people who are teased by brothers, and I have heard much worse bullying stories than my own, but for some reason most of the world has accepted that it is normal for them to bully or teaase. Matt seems to believe that he is only teasing and it is harmless. I sometimes wish he knew how much it hurt. 

I don't know, it isn't really always about bullying....Sometimes they just don't understand that certain things they say and do hurt. Or they do, but they simply don't care about my feelings. I don't even bother telling them how hurtful they are or how angry they make me... I've given up on that, because I know that in their minds they have won, and no matter what I say, I can't convince them to have another view on things. I have tried to fight them about it before and I ended up much more frustraited and upset.

Tonight my parents were out and Matt decided to invite Tim and Ashleigh over so that he could cook dinner for us all. I was in a pretty good mood, but they just ended up peeving me off so much. Tim started it.  Well Ash was talking about how some girls from youth group wanted to do a Zumba night, so we all giggled at that, and then she made the comment that none of the guys would want to do it.,,,  I then mentioned that I wouldn't want to do it either.... then Tim said " You don't do anything anyway"... I ended up saying "What don't I do?" and he said "Anything". I asked the same question again and he just shrugged and ignored me. I was ready to question him further to what he meant, but an add on TV came on, and Matt interrupted the argument by talking to Tim about the add, and then after they finished their conversation, I obviously couldn't go back to the previous conversation. What Tim said had angered and hurt me. I don't know if it was just because I only had 6 hours sleep last night, but I struggled not to cry. I left the dinner table because I was finished and I ended up lying on the couch to watch the movie that was on, hoping that I would calm down. Then to add to my frustration, Tim and Ashleigh both joined me which meant that I had to make room for them and sit up. I wasn't in the mood for company. When they went home after the movie I felt a bit better, but I got peeved off again when I realised that Matt had left the left over dinner on the kitchen bench, made a huge mess in the sink and hadn't rinsed any of it, making it really difficult for me to wash up. I know it doesn't sound that bad, but when one has been pushed to much, one tends to get angrier at the smaller things.

I want to ask you... What don't I do? ... Can you answer that question, or help me understand what Tim has against me? I'm confused!
You might remember the post that I wrote last week about what Tim had said to me on facebook... well as soon as Tim said what he said tonight, I thought about what he said to me on facebook, and It all overwhelmed me. I don't understand what he has against me. Does he seriously think I am completely lazy and don't do anything?....
No, I don't have a full time job, but I wish that people would understand that I am too young and un-experienced for anyone to hire me full time. Apart from that I'm not sure if I'm ready to be a full time Group Leader anyway. It isn't an easy job. I'm not lazy, just hesitant. So pretty much, I stay home all day and play the computer or watch TV.... but what else can I do when I'm not needed at work? I hate it when people make accusations without thinking them through.
I sing on stage at church, I'm a Sunday school teacher, I help in nursery when I'm rostered on, I'm a GB leader, and I would like to be involved further but I have actually been told that I do too much!
How is that lazy?
My first reaction to Tim is to be upset and almost believe that I am lazy and useless, but I'm sick of letting what other people say, get me down. Tim doesn't know me deeply, he doesn't understand me. I guess I wish I could just convince him to listen harder and pay attention to who I really am.

As for Matt, I'm not even going to go there. He just pushes me emotionally beyond what I thought I could be emotionally pushed.

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